I don't want to think about the future, near or distant. Thinking about all the bad things that will surely happen make me so anxious, so sad, so lost. I'm anxious even before anything has happened. but I know myself. I know I will mess things up, I know I'll fail. I know I'll never get noticed, I know I'll end up alone and forgotten, because I just can't stand up for myself, because I keep to myself, because my world doesn't connect with others, because I cannot do anything by myself. I always rely on others to do my on stuff, even though I'm already 18. I'm weak and want to disappear before my heart is totally torn to pieces. I wish I could just fall asleep next to my cat, wrapped in my cosy blanket, and never wake up. And all memories of me would be erased from this universe, so nobody would feel sad about my death. And all the things that are dear to me, all the things I ever treasured, none of it would matter anymore, nothing would hold me back anymore. My sensitive mind would go numb. My heart would dry up completely and I would finally be at peace.