i cant handle my own life. i have single handed-ly ruined it. i have no one left. i keep pushing people away trying to protect them and i only end up alone. i cant stop crying all the time and then i shut everyone out. they shouldnt have to deal with that. they probably think i want attention because i cry so much and i cant handle the thought of losing anyone else and i keep trying to protect them and my relationships with them but i only make it worse. so then i give up and i want to die. i cut and they get mad at me, as they should. they have every right to be mad at me. its my fault my life is s*** and i have no right to be upset about it. and then i just repeat. i keep trying meds but i hate meds because i cant even make it through the first week of intensified symptoms before i give up because my emotions are already too much for me… i just want to make everyone happy and be what they need and want me to be and i cant f***ing do it. i just cry because im not good enough and then they notice and feel bad so i just shut them out all over again then i get upset because i feel alone. i dont deserve to be happy, and because i feel that way i never will be. i contemplate suicide but i dont want to hurt anyone who thinks theres value in my pathetic life. everyone i have ever trusted has left or betrayed me anyway. so why cant i just wait it out until they all leave try not to find comfort in others so they dont get attached and then just end it. i hate myself for needing affection and comfort from others. i cant handle my own head then i talk about it and i just hate myself for putting that on others. its a vicious cycle and i cant stop it. i just want it to end.