Today I want to write about a problem that’s been plaguing me for years- – ever since I began considering applying to Groton. It’s about masturbation. Whenever I ejaculate, no matter how pleasurable a release it is, I always feel guilty and shameful after. Not only those feelings, I experience dampened happiness and emotive sensation as if someone threw a cold towel over the burning ember of my joy.
I am a happy person. Truly. But after I ejaculate it’s like my next 24 hours are cursed. I’ve tried a lot of things and some days are better than others but overall I start to feel miserable after ejaculating and think negatively.
Before I thought that I was being deservedly punished for thinking of myself engaging in sexual activities with women who are in my life. I thought that for even considering such a thing was disrespectful to those women, and that the next 24 hours were the consequences to my actions.
After I masturbate I crawl into my shell. I try to avoid too many interactions with other people because I’m afraid I’ll make some uncorrectable mistake in my diseased state. I am no longer myself after I masturbate – I act out, get in a bad mood easily, and only want to sit in front of a TV all day, away from people. This must be the part of myself I dislike the most.
Soccer, my favorite sport and hobby, loses its joy. I find myself fervently praying that I don’t make a mistake, although that is inevitable. I lose all the confidence I’ve built up by my pre-ejaculation self.
For these reasons, I’ve tried to masturbate as few times as possible. Now, I do it no more than a few times a month, but I want to teach myself to deal with this shame in a better way.