I was just looking for somewhere to write my thoughts. I guess this is a blog. But I am really sad often. I hate myself, I hate how I look, I hate being poor, I hate being black, I hate being a girl. Its wierd bc I was raised to be proud of myself and my culture, like im super duper PRO lgbt and PRO people of color, but i want to look white. i hate the feeling so bad. i just wish i was a white male, with a great body, nice hair, nice clothes. YES i am grateful for my life and having a mom and a house. i just cry everyday almost. i got help but it doesnt feel like enough. i self harm alot like i would hit myself with a bat to keep me calm or stab my self with paper knits. i dont want to die but i just want to sleep for a very long time. i dont even like my birth name like wtf i hate feeling this way. i do not think this will leave me. i am 17 and think this feeling will stay forever, not trying to stay negative IRONY I know. Reading graphic novels, music and drawing what keeps me alive but its not good enough too.
In the future. i see myself having surgery and being a guy with black hair slicked back. grey eyes, nice jawline. probably good abs. i would be famous for my artwork and connecting with others who may understand my sadness and self harm. my name would be huffman, i like that name so yeah. i would have a dog too.