Am I scared of sex? Am I just that kind of guy who would rather be left alone? Do I even want to be a sexual being? I want to let it all out and fling myself into the world of bareback, but at the same time I just see myself dying, mentally and physically. But as if drugs are that much better. I am just stuck right in the middle of nothing and everything. We all die. That’s true. Would it be worse if I died sooner or later? I’m not saying I want to, but if it means enjoying life to the fullest versus feeling my way through it awkwardly then why not? Mom, mom, mom. I just am doing it for her sake. Living, being the best I can be, but I feel like she’d be so scared of me if I engaged in these acts. But she would also want me to be happy. She would never disown me. And Adil. I’m bored. And I’ve already made it this awkward, why do you want me? I’m not /that/ great. Sure, I’m interesting, but I don’t know a lot. I doubt myself, and then I love myself, but I don’t exhibit any kind of constancy. When I smelled you last night on my hand, something snapped in my head. Something snapped and it made me scared. Why does it have to smell so bad? Not bad, but human? I don’t want to get f***ed because I want to make the other guy feel good, not dirty, and like, it’s an ass, it’s going to smell. And i hate that! How do I get over that? By topping. And I’m going to be a top. I’m going to do things I want, I’m going to drink casually, I’m going to stare down life in the f***ing eyeballs, and you know what I’m going to say? F*** YOU. I cant’ do everything, I’m a human. I can choose to do things. I will have regrets. I will be sad. I will be happy. I will have moments like these in which I feel trapped, when I know the right thing to do would be to call Adil and say “I’m sorry, I’m not you type, blah blah blah conflict resolved, right?” But the thing is, I’m not a square. I’m not definable. Sorry, world. I don’t believe in making people feel bad because it’s inconvenient. It sticks with you.
I will embody my love in things, in memories, in colors, in foods. But in people? I don’t know if I’m even capable of that yet. And it might be too late.