I keep realizing my fear of forming any form of close relationships. No, even telling someone something about myself frightens me.I come off as a very open and outgoing person, but really, I’ve become afraid of deep friendships. Of deep conversations. I hate small talk, but it seems that is all I can do for now. I now choose friends that I can keep at arms length, but is that true friendship? Same with love. I want to talk to them and not feel this huge fear run through my body, but it’s impossible. I want to make online friends as well, but I can’t because if I’m not anonymous I feel afraid.
I haven’t yet faced my fears, my sins, so until then I’m immobile.
I keep telling myself being alone is inevitable and that I should just feel at peace. I like being alone.
But still, even for one moment, I want to just talk to someone about anything and not feel afraid. I wish I could talk to him, but I’m afraid. When I talk to someone, all I see are demons.