I know I am still young. Too young to permanently determine anything. But when I stepped into college at 16 I realized a few things due to the comparison I made with my classmates and I. I’ve never been close to a guy ever. like every day Blue talks to you – Blue confides in you – you know many things about Blue kind of guy. No guy has ever liked me or bothered to befriend me. I went through 4 years without interacting with any none related guys. Basically no guy friend for 4 years. (I was studying in an all girl’s school) No guy has ever liked me back. I’ve never dated, never had a suitor, never caught the interest of another guy. and I can go on and on about my none existent ‘guy’ life but yeah you get the gist.
I thought maybe in college things will be a bit different. Someone’s bound to find me attractive or even interesting but hence they think of me as one of the guys. I’ve been bro zoned by my guy classmates/friends so many times; I’d rather not count it at all. I should really not care in the first place since I won’t really do anything if ever someone is attracted to me. Bigger possibility of rejecting or avoiding them than entertaining them since I’m not romantically inclined but even so you can’t help thinking what’s wrong with me? It’s sad because I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Am I that unattractive? Am I that ugly? Am I that unpleasant? Am I that horrible? Am I that socially awkward? Am I that unkind? Harsh? Bad?that no one has ever liked me? I don’t try to be someone else or be like most of the girls, girly, but I do know in myself that I’m a girl and that I’m interested in boys but I’m afraid they’ll misunderstand and I end up being perceived as someone who I’m not just because majority believes so. I’m afraid of forever remaining unwanted and unliked. But I don’t want to change who I am. I am boyish and I believe that’s who I want to be as a girl. I don’t want to give a f*** about dresses and make ups and always be dolled up or neat and clean. I just want to be me. But I don’t think anybody appreciates me. I know it’s too soon to say anything since it’s only been 2 months since the start of classes but I see the difference between my classmates and I and I’m afraid. It seems everybody is image conscious. Make up retouch here, perfume there, brush hair here. I don’t want to be like them but I’m not liked as I am. What’s wrong with me? I don’t know anymore.
I don’t really care most of the time but today is just a really low day and I wanted to get it out. Tomorrow I’ll wake up yet again with my “I don’t give a f*** attitude. Just be yourself Blue :D” I ignore these thoughts most of the time it’s just. Just. I just need to get it out in the open right now. Please someone?