There’s so much to say.
And I can’t say it, because of this maddening paralysis.

I feel like I can’t withstand these pressures, and it’s very important that I do. I feel that it is essential in fact, the only thing I am to do in this time and space, to contribute something.

And right now I’m nervous and non-functional and frozen still by this bizarre strain of anxiety. I feel, so acutely, inadequate for the tasks that I want to do.

That! That, is what is so desperately infuriating about it all. These things I need to do are born of a desire, not of external pressures. And it is not external pressures that prevent me from functioning.

It is all –all– my own fault. There is no one to blame.

I have systematically removed myself, extracted my part from a thousand different social situations until there is nothing left for me to defend. And now I’m free of all that, and I’m free of obligation and suddenly I’m left with this crushing sensation of inability.

Responsibility is gone, I have severed myself from the outside.
What am I ever to do, here with myself?