I am distracted..I work my dream job and am loving it. I am worried..about bills, family, love, I am in love.. but our love is now long distance when I moved for my new job. I have loved this person for 6 years but I don’t know if the distance is making me distant or if this is how I feel now.. no matter the distance. I feel myself drifting away.. from her…from reality.. I feel depression settling into the spot it once lived in my brain for many years. I have since filled that spot with good things.. but the good has been chipped away and now the spot is filling with sad thoughts. I feel the sadness.. all over my body. As if I am now living in a depressed state. I feel an overwhelming urge to be alone.. I can’t tell if that is the depression talking or if it is the fact that a lot of the stress comes from the people in my life.. therefore my body wants to defend against those people as if they were a foreign cell in my body. I hold on to a lot of pressure to ensure others happiness as well as my own. My own happiness comes much later. I dream of being alone in the woods sitting by a pond looking over a beautiful scene and thinking of nothing. The thought of that silence in my mind is my mistress. That desire to be happy and at peace with myself is the thing I long for and have fantisies about. I can’t bring myself to change my current reality for the fear I will hurt the ones I love.. so I am starting to isolate myself..and those people sense it.. I don’t know how much longer I will last without that peace