I hate that I feel so different to all my friends. I’m a smart person, and I know statistically speaking, I can’t be the only person “like this”. But I do however know that I am different from everyone I know and love. I can’t help but feel alone at times, but it’s strange, because part of me loves the feeling. Sometimes I love putting on music because I know it will make me depressed, but I don’t do happy. I have a son, and I love him with all my heart. It’s kinda like I’m two different people, because when I’m not with him, I become this other person that can’t feel any positive emotion. Therefore I enjoy the negative emotions, because it’s all I can truly feel. Sick of latching on to people that have been similar to me in the past. 3 girls in particular, and each of them just as messed up as I am… But they grew up, became happy people, and it’s sad that I resent them for it, because they were the only ones that understood me. A special connection that I felt that just kinda froze time. Laying for hours felt like years, and without anything being said, everything was said. Nothing could be understood, but they understood.
I don’t know if any of this makes any sense at all, I’m just rambling because… Well I don’t know why… I just don’t know anything any more. I’m not going to reread this to make sure it makes sense, because the truth is I don’t care if anyone read it, I just wanted to type it. Somewhere to put how I feel without the corny sensation of keeping a diary, or placing it somewhere public (because I’m not an attention seeking douche bag).
The strange part in all this, is my life is awesome. I’m 20 years old, earn around $1500 a week, drive nice cars (different cars weekly), have a gorgeous little boy who’s almost 15 months old, great friends and nice house mates… But I just get in moments where none of it matters, all that matters is a variable that I can’t yet figure out. I think that’s the problem, there’s something that’s meant to matter when nothing else does, but I don’t know what it is, or who it is.
Song ended, kinda made me tab over and hit facebook and ruined my writing mood. Till next time.
