I wish I was comfortable just talking to someone who actually cares about me about what’s really going on in my head. Everyone looks at me and says how pretty I am, how I’m a sweetheart, how I give and never ask. But it just makes me sick to my stomach. I can’t see what they’re talking about. I know what I’m really like. I feel so ugly inside. And I think I’m starting to lose my ability to hide it. I’ve wanted to just disappear for years. But there is always something that stops me. It feels like fear. I just don’t know what I’m doing or where I’m going. It’s like I can see my whole life laid out in front of me. Pathetic jobs, failed marriage, f***ed up kids, and me being a bad mom and wife while getting progressively crazier. I just don’t see the point. I feel like I’m trying so hard each day. I think if I just act a little more sweet or dress cuter or lose weight then my day has to go better. But everyday I fail. I feel so empty inside. So dead. It may not look like I’m trying hard enough. I lost my job and now am just a waitress at a diner and drink constantly. But to be honest, I try so hard. But all my energy goes into just doing the simplest things. Getting out of bed, trying to function through the day drains me. It feels like a constant fight with the side of me that just wants to give up. So at the end of the day I can’t find the strength to do my art or something that is supposed to make my life worth something more. I feel f***ing crazy. It’s like I’m watching myself drown. Every night I go home and dream about those pills in my drawer. I guess I end up not wanting to die. I just can’t let go of what I thought my life would be like since I was little. I can’t accept everything went to s***. And all I want to do is cry and get it out. I haven’t been able to really cry in years. I’m just so exhausted.