Hnnn…! I know she deserves better, b-but I can’t be there for her in the way… she needs.
I just can’t. I’m too scared. I feel too much. I don’t know how to react. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to make it better. I’m sorry. At least it’s weekend and she has a few days to compose herself before school begins again. Ugh… I feel horrible. I’m shaking and can’t stand straight… on the verge of tears. I hate it when people hurt like that. That must have felt like a massive punch in the gut to find out like that, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry… Why did I blurt it out like that… I thought she was at least semi-aware…
I’m really worried now. I know that her frequent mentions of suicide is just her over-reacting like always, but… once it’s said, there’s always the “what if…”
Why was I so stupid?! Yes, she needed to know what she was doing. Yes, she was doing it all wrong, but that was not the way to breach the subject, and it was definetily not the way to finally make her aware of it. She should have someone to be there for her. But I can’t be that person. I should be, I ought to be, but I can’t…
Noooo, why did I do that…? I soon as she started it, it felt so wrong… and when she started crying (after my revelation) it felt even worse…
I went straight to write… it’s my only release. I can’t cry. I don’t deserve to.