I wish I could tell you that this was a huge turning point for me. That something inside of me went “snap!”, and now I’ve realized how I could truly become a better person. Oh, indeed I have said to myself, steeled and determined, “You will change.” And I have tried. I am trying. But deep down, I know… I know that it’s just the same old thing. I’ve never been one to commit, you know that. Not to projects, not to ideas, not to myself. I don’t know why. Is it a case of boredom? Mere forgetfulness? Because don’t I know that more than once, it was pure damn incompetence, not malice, that’s caused me to disappoint a few people…
God knows I want to change. I want to become… more than myself. More than this forsaken husk of a person I call “me” is. I can so easily list off all the things that I believe to be wrong with me. Would you like me to give it a shot? I’m selfish, incompetent, absent-minded, impatient, shortfused, lazy, cynical, fickle, timid, passive, hypocritical, insecure, frustrated, decieving, susceptible, angry, rude, sarcastic, resignated, hopeless, lost, depressed, volatile, confused, doubting, indecisive, and… and I don’t know where to start in order to change any of it. How can I? I’m… I’m not a mess, I know that. Oh, I know how people would say, how I would say, “You’re not a terrible person. You’re just frightened, like any other teenager might be.” I’d be damned if I wouldn’t hear that at least twice a day if I ever told anyone how I feel.
I know I’m not the only one out there that feels like they’re a terrible, cowardly, undeserving waste of human consciousness. I know I’m not special in any way, shape, or form in the sense of my sadness and frustration and rage at myself, at the world, at everything indiscriminately. Please don’t patronize me. My emotions, my obstacles aren’t any easier to cope with, any less significant, because some poor f***er half way across the world has it worse than me. And I know that makes me sound like a cruel, arrogant bastard. But I’m tired, I’m just so TIRED of everyone telling me it’ll get better. It’ll change. I will change. I’ve been hearing that for the past nine years.
More than half my life, I’ve been the loner. The outsider. The “weird girl”. F*** if I know why being quiet and keeping to myself warrants being bullied and picked on and talked about behind my back. I didn’t… I haven’t always been like this, you know. So angry at everything yet too cowardly to show it let alone do anything about it. I’m just an angsty teenager, I know. It’s just my hormones, my inexperience, my shortsighted, invalid, naive adolescent mind. And I’m just as tired of it as everyone else. I want to change. I know that isn’t enough. But I do. And I’m trying, so badly, to change. Starting now. Starting today. Because I’m not going to be dragged down by the meaninglessness of everything, by demeaning closemindedness, by depression and stress and god dammit. I won’t. I hate myself, I hate who I am and what I do and why I do it. So starting today, I’m going to change that. I’m going to carve myself a new Me.