I hate how hormones determine the feelings or even behaviours of human beings. I’m reaching an age when my body clock is reminding me to breed. I used to hate children and was pretty sure I would dislike them for my entire life. But recently, I find myself acting sweet to children of my colleagues and thinking fondly of some of them, even dreaming of maybe someday raising my own. That scares me. Because I am supposed to dislike children all my life. I don’t want to start liking them because of hormonal change. I am in a job with too much stress to have a healthy baby anyway. The sheer stress can kill it before it’s even born. The bigger trouble is I think I’ve identified who can be the potential father of my child. I sometimes wonder what our child would look like. But he is not a person I can love, unless some terrible things happen. So we are back to ground zero again. These things are really pointless. As the clock keeps ticking, I’m not sure if I should feel sad or just ignore any stupid thoughts. Can’t help feeling doomed but don’t want to be upset by this either.