All I want to be able to do is understand myself. 19 and unable to discern between what I like and dislike, what I want to do and what I loathe doing, what I am good at and what I am truly crap at.
What makes it worse is I feel completely unattractive. Although I know well enough that being attractive isn’t what self-esteems should be built upon, but I just can’t help looking at myself in the mirror and describing myself as a ‘fat, ugly f***’. But of I could just grasp the attention of someone, it might give me the boost I need. I know it sounds somewhat shallow, but I hate myself. I’m not saying that because I’m trying to sound dramatic. I’ve gotten so angry at who I am and how terrible I am at everything that I’ve accidentally carved into my skin with my nails and left scars.
And the scars I’ve left have made it impossible for me to reveal certain regular parts of my body without arousing suspicions about the state of my mental health.
I just want to feel happy.