Although I knew that life is not a bed of roses, but I definitely don’t want it to be suffocating. All this problems, stress, insecurities, fear, uncertainties is drowning me. I feel like I am about to break down. By putting on a mask, nobody notices all that I am hiding and how much it actually hurts me. I hate my incapability. I hate myself for not doing my best in the past. I hate being useless. All this hatred is drowning me. I keep wondering, WHY AM I ALIVE? If now is not the time for me to live the world then what is the purpose for me to keep living? Why I am living when there is so many more people who deserve to live more than me? Every time something like that happen I need to keep myself in check so that I don’t do something stupid like taking a knife and do lots of stupid stuff. Sometimes I really wonder do physical pain really take away some of the mental pain? Why have I not try it before? Because I am afraid that if it does, I will be addicted to it. I am afraid I will rely on it to reduce the mental pain in the future. I am afraid that unconsciously I will start losing my soul. What can I do other than writing it here? After all, nobody cares about me and my existence.