Someone surprised me today and that was cool. It only did so much to change the way i feel though. And as close as he was to sweeping me up, the further away i felt from ever reaching that reality. Because even if i were somehow told something I dont know, i would be a million miles away from whoever the f*** it is on the other side of the screen. And whats worse is im bothered. That family reunion is coming up which means i really am running out of time. I really think im going to have to kill myself if i want to get out of it. Or just fake sick really really f***ing good, but it will be too obvious. Everyone will see it coming. Suicide though, no one will see coming and it will be a permanent way out of this nasty nasty life. Today i went to walmart and was reminded of what cruel future awaits me. I dont want to eat any food because i know everything going in my cabinets tonight was made in a factory. Its just unnatural and wrong. But what more wrong is the fact i have the nerve to be bothered by that when i know for a fact that tonight, theres a woman with a blind husband and 12 year old daughter who cant even afford to put crumbs on the table , let alone pay the rent. Yet im sitting here sulking because i want to starve myself because i dont have my own farm in the wild. Its wrong, but its true. And i guess thats just the way the cookie crumbles. Atleast i can find comfort in the fact she dug her own hole and i didnt. Im aware of what is happening and where im going and what to avoid. I know that i will be more than content poor and the only thing preventing me from sleeping on the streets is the fact il get raped. But heh, whatever. Im in a home and im lucky i guess. I have “food” and i am grateful. I have a few days left to live, and i have nerves. Because i just dont know .. i dont know if my guys out there and all it takes is one weekend of whatever word describes more painful than hell, and il be out and okay. I just am too weak to endure it though. Especially considering my oldest half brother the rapist would be attending and that would mean an entire family oblivious to my reality would be asking questions like, why am i alone, how do i like having my brothers back at home, why arent i participating in anything at all? Im a lame kid. And i have my reasons. thats why. get over it and stop pretending to love me. I think i should just drop a blowdryer in the bathtub and have a nice long forever bath. That way my dad wont feel bad because he doesnt deserve that kind of heartbreak. Im not a person that sees the purpose in a suicide note. thats selfish. i could just do my own way. maybe i could eat a bag of moldy bread the night before the reunion and stay home with food poisoning. THATS GOOD. i wanna cry. no , i dont. hah, im a mess. this cycle is just getting overbearing and im feeling fed up. But who isnt. I just want my guy. i want someone next to me. i want to collaborate guitar riffs and take acid and die. someone please just come here and save me from myself soon. Im digging my own hole as each day passes. its f***ing stupid.