I cannot do it. Its coming too fast. This f***ing family reunion with people i dont want to be apart of who dont want to be a part of me. I cant i cant i cant i cant i cant. theres just now f***ing way. I know that im turning an event thats not even remotely about me, about me, there needs to be another option. Im a person too. A weekend, alienated, degraded and singled out around people that youre expected to love and be loved by that you truly could care less about. I know that the teenage ones will be on their phones. And that i, in my resentment for technology and armor, will deprive myself of stooping to such activities and literally sit on a bench staring at the sky while my brothers have fun with their male cousins and my father runs around thinking hes the s*** feeding his egotistic shell having a good time. I cant do it. I will be forced to resort to walking alone on the path of shame with my guitar and the entire family THINKING that im crying out for attention. But why? Why isnt there another way? Why isnt there another option. Why isnt there a person who can just put me out of my agonizing anticipation of an event i shouldnt have to endure? can NOBODY just sweep me off my feet and away from here? I really am going to be forced to give m dad the pleasure of holding my ugliest photograph and tossing my ashes out somewhere he thinks i love when i really dont because he doesnt even know me?Am i really going to let every member of my family give themselves another reason for self pity because i killed myself and they had no idea? they wished they couldve prayed for me? they wished they couldve kept me under their sweaty overbearing misunderstanding arms? Isnt there another way? Is no one gonna open a door for me and say ” here, im leting you out.” nobody? Am i not obvious enough? Is my constant camping in my room and the fact i never speak not enough for anyone to realize im not happy and im ready to die? is my blank stare and straight face not enough for anyone on earth to realize that this isnt where i want to be and the fact im not speaking, and i dont know, is a straight out call for help, not a push away? Do i need to hold a f***ing sign? Is this really not enough? Now its close to too late because the doors are closing and im actually expected to attend a reunion with a bunch of pricks. As motherf***ing if. HELL NO. its not happening. it just wont happen. Id rather have aids. Id rather be pregnant. Id rather have sheeba god smite me with lightning and send me to hell for eternity. The more i think about it, the more i cant wait for everyone to show up dressed in black with their fake ass selves putting on their stupid shows. I cant wait . I get to rest forever while you guys try to put together broken pieces just to have them shatter again later you f***ing idiots. GOOOOOOOOD somebody f***ing shoot me.