UI’m too old to be this f***ed up. I feel like a depressed teenager all over again. Actually I never stopped, so idk what I’m even talking about. I’ll be 30 in 4 years, and it makes me cringe so there’s another thing to add to my list of s***.
I like gay/lesbian porn. Idk why cuz I’m straight and just like men. An actual vagina in my face would probably make me puke, at the very least, gag. I like raunchy sex stories. Things I wouldn’t even be able to do or wouldn’t actually want to do, turns me on. It makes me feel like a freak afterwards. Its like total disgust with myself after I masturbate, yet I do it every night.
I have a bad habit of having sex with men who are in relationships. I’ve only fallen in love with ones who wouldn’t have sex with me or wouldn’t even flirt with me though because they are honorable. I’m constantly wanting, but will never really have them. Keeping secrets, it’s so passionate and intimate even though cheaters are garbage. Nobody wants to have anything good and real with me, so if I can’t share real love with someone at least we have that. I’ve had sex with so many hot guys, that’s the only way I can feel ok about it morally. They’re hot and they come onto me. I’m not going to turn down a sexy piece of ass just because some girl is dumb enough to believe he loves her. Its not on me, and nobody thought twice about f***ing my boyfriend when I was innocent and had never done anything to anyone to deserve that. I would never cheat on a boyfriend. I would just dump him. Idk how people think it’s ok to keep someone thinking everything is perfect in a relationship when it’s not.
I do coke every Friday and Saturday. Blow half my check up my nose and on drinks. Then I have to smoke weed to get me to sleep. Sometimes I throw some pills in to mix it up a little. I know it’s bad for me, I don’t think I’m an addict though, I do skip weekends now and then and never do anything even drink during the week, but at the same time I’d be bored if I went out and didn’t do it.
I know, I know. I’m a loser. I honestly wish I would have died years ago. I was supposed to, but bless modern medicine. I always thought I would be something great when I grew up. I thought I’d be smart and rich and tall with big boobs like my sister. Instead I’m a stupid failure who has to f*** other people’s boyfriends to be somewhat fulfilled. Also I stopped growing when I was 12, so I’m 5’2″ with A cups. Not at all what I had in mind. I’m still in college, its never-ending. My job sucks. My car sucks. It’s all so tiring and I never get anywhere. Sometimes I wish I had a gun so I could just blow my head off. Or that I could just pack a bag and drive West to a small desert town where I’ll meet the man of my dreams. But I’m a pussy.