I have this wonderful best friend who I’ve known for twelve years. Even though she can be the complete opposite of me–smart, outgoing, personable–she seems to know how to bring a smile on my face. She knows how to make me laugh and push away my gloomy mood away.
Recently, though, I’ve been having a tough time with many things, from school stress to boy stress. I have brought up these things with her on occasion but then I’ve been beginning to lessen the details and frequency of the conversations. Why? Because I’d hate to be so negative all the time, especially towards someone as positive and cheerful as her. So what have I done? Sometimes I would consult some other friends that I’ve grown closer to and became comfortable enough to talk about these matters, not in great detail, of course, but enough to hear their thoughts on the matter. This was to avoid stressing my best friend with such negativity.
However, I just came across her journal while she was off in class and glanced through it. If I were to be honest, there have been times throughout the course of our friendship where I have snooped into her journals and see what she’s written. I’m sure if I kept records such as a journal, she’d do the same, but because my motivation to write my thoughts and feelings on paper typically dies off, she doesn’t have that opportunity. I feel that if she knew that I wrote on this site, she would be able to find my posts and know it was me.
Going back to the journal, I read her misinterpretations about what I’ve been experiencing this year. She spoke about her worries about me ditching her if I fall into a relationship with a guy and then separate concerns about me not speaking to her about my predicaments, thinking that she’s not capable as a best friend.
I don’t want her to think that I feel that I can’t talk to her. I keep to myself because, honestly, that’s what I’ve been used to doing for the past eight years when depression hit me. While I might not have depression anymore, I know that I fall back into old habits of closing off myself from everyone else, feeling alone and unwanted. But I hate to see that what I’ve tried to do in order to refrain from making her feel negative is doing just that.
If truth be told, she also closes up on me, but in a different way. While my glum emotions are evident, she brushes off her negativity and stays perky and happy. In all honesty, she does the same thing. But that’s not the point.
I don’t know what to do about this. How do I bring up such a topic without letting her know that I looked at her journal? Do I simply reassure her that I value our friendship and she can talk to me about anything? I really do value her. I can’t imagine myself with a better best friend than her. Should I express why I am the way I am? Because it seems that my assumptions have lead to misinterpretations.