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Posted by on 2020/08/15 under Love

I did just recently make an addition to this thread but this is going to be different from what I've already written. I'm gonna talk about my memories of him. The way he used to be, the Y I miss, and I guess the Y I fell in love with (even though I didn't know it yet).

Now there's so many little moments I can't possibly remember to include on here but I will try to put all the ones that occur to me.
The way this started is we all started talking (me, my bsf, Y, n Y's bsf) over a game. We all started playing together and FaceTiming everyday and it was really fun. It was so innocent at first no one had feelings for anybody it was just playing. Eventually we did this for sometime and Y got comfortable. I remember when my bsf would go to his house and if he was on the phone with me Y would go lightheartedly "Is that my girlfriend" and this was before we ever talked about hooking up it really was innocent (I miss it). We used to be on the phone and all talk for hours, and I mean actual conversation, not super meaningful but fun. He would put his phone on his dresser and actually let us see him properly and not just his forehead like he does now. And he would actually talk to us and make conversation, answer questions, ask questions unlike now that we don't even talk at all (not even text). And we would be on the phone for hours unlike now when if we do call him he's already off the phone in 8 seconds.
Now at the time I already thought he was cute obviously but this was before everything so I would look at him through the phone and admire him, admire how gorgeous I think he is.

One time I saw he was calling me, FaceTime and I was so excited because I was like what could this be?! 🙂 (we only talked in group FaceTime) so I answered and he's just like "You're pretty, okay bye" And I was just like okay 😂 then a couple minutes later he calls again "sike nah you ugly" hangs up again then once again calls me later "nah my bad what were you saying" then just hangs up again but it was sweet he used to be so friendly to me 🙁 I wish things were platonic still.

A couple times we would be on group ft he would text me privately like just between us thing damn I used to love that lil bond we had.

When we finally got to the time where we started texting about hooking up bcs I had asked him and he agreed. Even then he was still responsive. He would send some very exciting texts and just had really good energy. I think soon after this was when I started to catch feelings and all this mess came about but the purpose of this was to talk about him before all of this I MISS HIM.

I miss talking to him almost everyday, I miss seeing him, I miss admiring how freaking beautiful he is, I miss clowning him, laughing with him, texting him, playing with him, EVERYTHING AHHH I JUST MISS HIM!

I f***ing acheeee to have him.

Such a HUGE part of me wants to confess to him like dude I am madly in love with you…but then I also get angry because its gonna fall on deaf ears. He doesn't have the- I guess the ability to process someone telling him something like that. He LITERALLY wouldn't know what to do and unless he feels the same way which he doesn't. I know he cares for me in a way like he has affection for me but idk how to decode that. Is it romantically, sexually?? Platonically?? Family??

I think maybe if not me, opening up about my feelings than maybe make him open up about his feelings whatever they are. I think hearing his emotions would help me out immensely, bcs that's also the thing that's making all this worse, the not knowing. The not knowing makes me think about him constantly which of course increases my feelings.

There's so many other little anecdotes I have of him scattered around my brain. He's special, he really is I know there's no one out there like him for me. I haven't properly talked to him in months- n gd do I miss him.

I miss him so f***ing much.
I wanna see him.
I wanna talk to him.
Y I love you.

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