Somewhere To Write

Posted by Anonymous on 2019/11/17 under Love

"Do you have 10 minutes to spare? I want to talk to you." I asked him. He laughed and said "Why just 10 minutes. You can have more". I heaved a sigh of relief. This was an important issue and needed time.

Earlier that day we were sitting on flattened out wild grass by the lakeside, facing each other. Hand-in-hand, eye-to-eye and the fresh warm morning sun slowly pouring onto our faces. I had known him through some common friends for sometime, but it was probably just the second or third time I was talking to him. But something about his persona or aura made me feel so secure and comforted. Like he could heal my inner wounds just by his presence. Like I could trust him with anything. And I did just that. So then I began unloading the burdens of my life that were currently weighing me down. Slowly, slowly it progressed into opening out my hidden insecurities and deep-seated unhealed wounds. The rivers of tears washing out the oceans of pain I was carrying for long. And he was there through it all, listening deeply, intently and patiently. Without interruption, but with the occasional prompted question that helped me articulate my feelings better. With keen observation but also with boundless care and concern. I was already starting to feel a sense of release and healing.

I could see that as I was sharing my story, he was soaking it in. His face was like a mirror that displayed anger when I was mistreated, his eyes tearing up when I expressed my pain. We shared a few minutes of solitude together, letting the crisp hill-side air cleanse our mind. Letting the lapping waters of the lake slow us down. Letting the flock of gulls in the distance lift our blues away. He then asked me, "How are you feeling now?".
"Light, relieved and held", I replied. And then I asked him back, "How are YOU feeling?. And that marked the start of his moment of sharing.

I had been graced with his compassion just minutes ago and hence found myself emulate the same back to him. He opened up his heart bare and square in front of me, a supposed stranger an hour or so ago. His demons and deities, all out in full glory. I witnessed the transformation of a wise and sorted middle-aged man into a little boy who just wanted to be loved and cherished. It moved me beyond words. And as I was in the midst of feeling his struggles, he threw a curve-ball at me. "I have always found it tough to find a life-partner because I rarely get deeply attracted to anyone. But the thing that saddens me the most is that whoever I fall for is already taken. I feel immensely attracted towards you and I know you have a partner." And then he broke down again.

But this time I could not comfort him. I froze. I did not see it coming. A million questions flooding my head. He, an established and respected man with far-reaching ambition and vision falling for a girl who is struggling to barely make a living or a life? Can one fall in love so instantly and without knowing the other enough? And how did he know about my partner already?

But in that space of pregnant silence, i noticed something shift in me. Like a doorway had been laid open now. As if now the sanctions have been given to see him differently. More as an equal than a superior. And that suddenly made him all the more attractive.

Throughout that day, in the retreat that he was facilitating, I found myself getting drawn towards him. My feet taking me closer and closer to where he was even as my mind battled to push his thoughts away. I felt so conflicted. I sensed a very deep energy connect with him, but was unable to define whether such an attraction was appropriate or allowed in the constructs of the man-made world. I really loved my current partner intensely, but the strong pull that this man had on me was getting unbearable to ignore or suppress. I just had to do something about it. I made up my mind to confront him about this. To express what I felt about him, but also to draw a clear boundary to block this path from proceeding any further. I did not want to complicate things with my current partner, with whom I'm genuinely satisfied. I had no choice but to nip this in the bud, however incoherent it may seem.

So at the end of the session that day, I braced myself, walked up to him and said,"Do you have 10 minutes to spare? I want to talk to you."

Little did I realize that this 10 minute talk would expand into a whole night filled with joy, wonder and ecstasy and would change my human experience forever.

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