Posted by Anonymous on 2012/11/08 under Uncategorized I don’t know if anyone will read this, but I need to let it out somewhere. I can’t seem to let go of the pain. I dated this guy for almost a year and he left me a week before the biggest event of my life so far, Basic Combat Training for the Army. I ended up finding out I was pregnant by that guy, and my military career ended.
When I told the guy, I was 6 weeks pregnant. He told me to “f*** off” and never contact him again. Since then, I’ve tried to do the right thing. I cut contact with him like he asked. I took care of my body and stayed healthy for my baby. I dropped out of high school and got my GED so I could work full time and save up money to support my baby. I enrolled in a Histotechnology school and soon I’ll know if I’m accepted.
September 11th, I found out that I’m having a baby boy. I named him Izaak. I put an ultrasound picture on Facebook, and my ex-boyfriend’s sister saw it. She called me and asked why I never told my ex about his son, and said that he seemed okay with the pregnancy. He lied to his family about everything. Everyone thinks I’m slutty, white trash. But, aside from getting pregnant, I haven’t done anything wrong. He cheated and lied. Not me. Now, he’s telling everyone that HIS life is f***ed. All because his mom is making him get a GED and choose a career. I’m the one with a child growing inside me. He walked away. I didn’t chase after him trying to make him be a part of our son’s life.
The only people who’ve stood by me are my parents. They’ve bought Izaak clothes, shoes, diapers, wipes, bottles, carseats, a crib, and everything else he needs because I don’t have the money. My friends disappeared after the breakup. I feel so alone despite my parents being here with me.
Every time I go to the doctor, I find myself wishing Izaak’s father was with me listening to our baby’s heartbeat. It breaks my heart when I think about Izaak growing up without a dad. How am I going to explain to my sweet little child that his daddy doesn’t want him? I could never tell him that his daddy wanted me to get an abortion.
Now, I’m 28 weeks pregnant. In January, I’ll meet my little boy. I’ll look into the eyes of a child that will be my entire world. I love Izaak so much already, but I’ve struggled with anxiety and depression since way before I got pregnant. I find myself resenting Izaak because he’ll be a constant reminder of my first love. I worry that I won’t be enough for my baby. How am I going to raise a son at 18 when I can barely go into a grocery store without having a panic attack? I take anxiety and depression meds, but it doesn’t stop the worrying.
I’m not sure what the point of this is, but I can’t keep it in anymore. I’m tired of pretending everything is okay. I’m tired of faking a smile. Maybe I’ll just blame it on the hormones..