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Posted by on 2012/10/23 under Uncategorized

I used to wake up and be happy to go to school. Now I am a senior and it is so hard. People say I will miss high school, but I really won’t. They don’t know what I go through. On a day to day basis I am constantly being judged. People make fun of me. Just this year I have lost my best friend in a shooting. Me and my boyfriend have had so many problems with his parents and he is now living with me. Not only am I stressed out about him living with me, but I’m constantly hoping graduation will come sooner. I have been in the school band for 7 years. 2 years ago our director moved and we got a new one. Just know I am band president, trumpet section leader/first chair, field captain, and play TAPS at the lowering of the flag for football games and Veteran’s Day COncert. Our new director is horrible. He has screwed up my senior year a great amount. I can’t ask him a question because he smarts off to me. Last year when he first came to our band I was having very bad family issues. I had to miss ONE practice and he got mad. He chewed me out and of course I have anger problems and told him off as well. This year he is much worse. He doesn’t care about the band. He yells at us and talks down on us. Only once have I heard him say something good. He takes everything out on us and he picks favorites. He makes us look bad at football games and has chewed me out many times. I don’t care though because I really am sick of band. I want to quit, but I’m not. He has one more chance to yell at me. I’m absolutely sick of it. I can’t take school anymore. Everyday I wake up and I have no motivation at all. Just some information: I am suicidal. I’ve tried talking to someone, but no one listens. I have my boyfriend, but I don’t want to talk about my depressing thoughts with him because I know it hurts him when I say the suicidal thoughts are getting worse. My mom has had depression and I also have it. It’s not major, but depression and anger problems are really hard to deal with. I have almsot klilled me and my boyfriend in the car because one thing set me off really bad. Since that day…..I have tried so hard to control my anger. It hurts trying to hold it in and when I do…..I hurt myself. I have never really understood why people cut themselves. I have never put a razor to my skin, but on my left leg I have a scar from my knee close down to my ankle. I could not take my moms yelling anymore and she took my phone from me. I pay for my bill so that set me off even worse. I was having a very bad day that day because people were messing with me and I had so much on my mind. So after she stopped yelling and slammed my door I sat in my floor and took a nail file and scraped away my skin. It felt amazing. I was so happy when I did it, but I was also scared because I didn’t know if I was going to stop. It felt as though I was scraping away the pain. I have taken car keys and cut my wrist. Surprisingly car keys are sharper than I thought. I have never had a best friend besides Dylan. He wasn’t a Christian and neither am I. I picked him up for school everyday since we lived very close. We listened to the same har dath metal music, loved horror and morbid things, and enjoyed laughing together at the most stupidest things. He was really like my brother. My best friend. I stopped giving him rides closer to the end of the year because I wanted to drive alone in the mornings. We still talked in school, texted, and made the same jokes. We both were bullied and that was the hardest things on us just because we are “different”. Well I went to Panama City Beach for the Summer with my boyfriend and my mom and her friend. Dylan texted me this exact sentence, “I want Die my Bride to be played at my wedding :D.” and I texted back saying I did too it’s such an awesome song. When we got back my boyfriend was staying the night. It was 11:00 and I got a call from one of my friends saying Dylan was in the hospital in critical damage he was shot in the throat. My first thought was maybe it was a BB gun and it just winged him and then Chase said, “No, Summer……he’s dead.” I hung up and got on facebook expecting to see something on there and of course alot of people were posting stuff on R.I.P Dylan. I turn to my boyfriend and said Dylan’s dead. I busted out crying. I never cry and when I do it must’ve been something really bad. My boyfriend was trying to calm me down and I instantly say, “F*** God!” He let go of me and told me please don’t say that and I said I don’t care. And I passed out. Since Dylan has been gone I really don’t like coming to school. I almost get into so many fights because I’m sick of being pushed around. I’m sick of teachers and everything. Every night I go outside and I look up at the stars. I can always pick out the star that shines the brightest and I say that is Dylan’s star. I’m getting a tattoo soon of the Marilyn Manson heart logo because Dylan loved Marilyn Manson. I’m also getting a few stars because stars to me have a very special meaning. Basically, I can’t take it anymore. I can’t live life happy. I’m always miserable and everything bad that can happen always happens. I really don’t know what to do anymore. I can’t stop hurting myself or beating myself up about things. Let alone being bullied at school. I’m just……i’m done.

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