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Posted by on 2012/09/30 under Uncategorized

At the age of 18 I fell in love with a man that I worked with. We’ll call him Keyan. (A name that came up in our relationship) It was love at first sight and our relationship moved very fast. After a month and a half of dating I found out I was pregannt. We were so happy and even though it took my family a little time to get used to he idea that we would be very young parents they accepted him and he moved in with me. Keyan was a very hard worker who came form a broken home and childhood but he was ambitious and self sufficient and he was my first real,true love. He cooked and cleaned and was romantic, just everything every girl dreams of. As my pregancy went on I became very sick. I couldn’t keep food down for roughly 6 months. Keyan was always by my side and he told me to stop working and he would take care of everything, ad he did. By te time my baby shower rolled around I was feeling better. I invited all my friends and family and we had a blast. Keyan ad I decided to move to a new city with my mom and grandma for a new start for us and our soon to arrive baby. The night of my baby shower we took a friend home and told her the news. Her reaction was what I expected, she cried her eyes out. We consoled her and went home soon after she called and wanted us to come back over becuase she was still upset and wanted to talk. I was really tired so I told Keyan to go and tell her I loved her and everything would be okay. that was one of the biggest mistakes of my life. Keyan broke up with me a couple weeks later and when I asked him why he said it was because he did something that was unforgivable. Over the next couple of months Keyan still worked hard and got me anything I needed and we kept preparing for the baby but he was almost never home. At night he would get ready and leave out of the back door and he wouldn’t come home until 5 am. He would tell me he was “doing business” with his bothers but I knew where he was and who he was with. She would always call and I would always look through his phone when he was asleep. I was in denial and scared to make him leave because I still loved him and I was about to have my first baby at 19. I had no job, no car, all I had was him. Even though he didn’t kiss me or hold me anymore or tell me he loved me I let it stay the way it was. Our baby girl was born in January and she was beautiful. It was the first time in a long time I saw Keyan happy and for the first time in a long time he said “I love you.” After our daughter’s birth he stopped taking phone calls from her and he admitted what had happened between them. We got back on track and I chose to forgive him. He continued working and I loved being a stay at home mom. As soon as it got better it went bad again. She would call him at work and show up at his job and eventually he stopped fighting her and their relationship resumed. So basically he had both of us but he lived with me and my family. We made the decision to move a few months before our daughter’s first birthday. I was hopeful we would start over fresh and never have to worry about her again. He broke up with me right before we moved and I went to the new city alone. He helped us move but took the bus back down to where we lived before. One day after we moved he surprised me and came back up. He said he missed our daughter and couldn’t be away from her. He quit his job and my mom had set up an interview for him at her job but the day he was supposed to go he decided not to go. He said he made a mistake. He stayed with me for 2 months but kept talking to her on the phone at night. He went back down to our old city and would come up every other weekend. He worked and gave me what he could. It was like he was living a double life. Some time passed and he called to tell me he joined the military. I cried for 2 weeks straight. I decided to support him though as I always have. He went to basic for 4 months. And he called as much as he could and we wrote letters and even though I missed him terribly I made it through. He was stationed in a different state and when he left I cried but we talked every day and night. A couple months after he was there he was going to have surgery to remove his wisdom teeth (mandatory for soldiers)so I decided to come and take care of him. Well his surgery was postponed and he wanted us to stay so health care would be easy for our daughter. We ended up like falling in love all over again. He cut all ties with her completely and when he did have his surgery it was more difficult than most and I never left his side. I fed him through a syringe and gave him his meds on time and just naturally took cae of im and when he was feeling better we went to do some shopping and that is when he asked me “when are you going to marry me?” I laughed because I didn’t believe him and I told him I knew I would marry him the day I saw him but I didn’t think he would ever be ready to do that but when w egot home he took my hand and looked into my eyes and said he wasn’t playing he was serious, that I have his daughter and he never stopped loving me and he doesn’t know what he was waiting for because after everything we’ve been through I’m still there and my love never changed. So of course I cried and then we told my family and we were just going to go to the courthouse but my mom insisted on giving us a wedding. We go married in July and it was very small but beautiful. Aside from the day our daughter was born it was the happiest day of my life. We were doing so well and then it all fell apart. I caught him lying to me and he strated calling her again after we separated and I had to move back with my mom because he deployed shortly after that and he refused to pay the rent at our apartment. My family and I went through a house fire which was a total lose only a couple weeks after he deployed right before Christmas. Come to find out he cut me off from everything and pretended like we weren’t even married even though we still were. We fought when he would call and she and I would fight and her mother and I would fight. Oh yeah I forgot to mention she was only 16 at the time! It was bad and finally my family and I got back on our feet and that’s when I found out he claimed me on his tax return and bought his whore a car instead of getting me a car and I had his child. I decided to move back to the state he was staioned to half way through his deployment because I jsut wasn’t happy where I was and I still had hope for making our marriage work. (yes I know stupid to most but I’m being honest) I lived with a friend and fellow military wife and got a job and a car and thigs were going well. I got my own place and just took it day by day. Our conversations became less hostile and we actually talked a lot and were able to laugh again. While I was working I met this man who helped me get my daughetr from the sitter’s and get home when my car was in the shop and a friendship quickly happened between him and I. It escalated beyond anything I was looking for and he seemed like a really nice man. I kept it respectful because legally I was still married even though my husband and I had already decided to divorce and he was in a relationship with his whore. When my husband came home I was there with our daughter and it was only about him and her. I didn’t welcome him like most wives do after a year of being apart but we were still civil and I was kind to him. I did notice he was looking at me different when he came home but I didn’t understand why. I asked a friend of ours who witnessed what we went through and he said he was looking at me that way because “he knows he f****d up.” Keyan asked me for a hug when we got outside and I was shocked and I hesitated a little bit but I did give him a hug and he seemed to hold me a little longer than I expected. He waited to ask me for a hug until we were outside because she was there and when we got outside she was already in the car. After he got settled from getting home he came to pick up our daughter and he was very flirty and kept standing close to me and tried to kiss me multiple times and I fought him off for a while but eventually I gave in. We were still married at that time so that was what I used as my justification for what I had done. Let’s not forget I’m in this new relationship with another man. We’ll call him AJ. Keyan and I were together alot. It was easy because we both had our own place and we shuttled our daughter back and fourth between eachother’s schedule. We got divorced a few months after he came home from his deployment ad it was an emotional day for me. Our relationship continued and a month later AJ proposed. I accepted. I told Keyan and he said “congratulations.” Shortly after that I found out that Keyan was marrying her. My reaction was bad but I expected that. AJ moved in with me and everything was okay between us for a little bit but then his family started rumors about me and talked about me behind my back, they kept telling him what to do and instead of standing up for himself he listened and in an emotional fight he left. I told Keyan and he came and took our daughter for a few days because I was going through a lot and I didn’t have anybody because I wasn’t in my home state. Keyan and I continued our relationship in secret and the question of him coming back to me came up a lot but he never let go of her. I was waiting for him to do that so that I would know he was genuine but it never happened. AJ and I still talked, one day would be good the next would be bad. Eventually he and I decided to give it another try and he moved back in. I was still in secrecy with Keyan and I was torn at what to do. Keyan took a trip with our daughter to our home state and AJ and I got married right before they came back. I told Keyan and he said once again “congraulations.” When Keyan and our daughter came back he still thought that our secret relationship would continue and even though I did kiss him I asked him no to put me in that situation because I was married and sleeping with him was just something I couldn’t do anymore. He was upset but he accepted it. AJ and I wet through a lot of fights in the beginning ad it was mostly about Keyan but not because he knew what went on between us but because of our past. I felt like he blamed me for having a life before him. Keyan married soon after I did and things between us went sour. I always thought we’d be friends but apparently not. Keyan moved back to our home state and I stayed here. AJ and I went through hell for a few months and I fought with his family a lot but that summer I found out I was pregnant. the fighting between AJ and I stopped even though his family kept telling him it wasn’t his baby. He started standing up for himself and I cut ties with all of them. Keyan and I have a civil relationship but only concerning our daughter. The following spring AJ and I welcomed our baby boy and just like my daughter he was beacutiful and he looked just like AJ. (still does) AJ’s family finally shut up about him being our baby’s father once they saw him and they still talk about me but I pay them no mind. AJ and I are okay right now but on a recet trip back home I stayed for a couple months because my and Keyan’s daughter went with him for the summer and I eeded a break from where I live now, plus I hadn’t seen my family in about a year. AJ didn’t handle it well and we fought most of the time I was there. My summer was very eye opening and it put me in this war of emotions. When I went to pick up my daughter and saw Keyan we actually talked for a little while and I was flooded with emotions. When I came back and saw AJ I was flooded with emotions too. I do love AJ but not the way I love Keyan. Keyan was my first true love and I feel like I forced myself to move on because that’s what I was supposed to do after what Keyan had done to me. I feel like I’m in my own version of The Notebook. AJ is good to me despite the fights and I’ve been able to be a stay at home mom but I’m just not fully happy. Even when Keyan did his dirt just seeing him or one touch of his skin and I felt like I was on cloud 9. AJ is a good man as I said before and I do love him but I realize I’m still in love with Keyan. I’m considering leaving to just be on my own for a while because I haven’t been truly alone since I was 18. i feel horible because I know AJ is in love with me but it’s not fair of me to hold him back from finding someoe that loves him the way he loves them right? Plus if I keep repressing my true feelings it’s going to end up 10 times worse than it already is. I’m not afraid to take a chance and see what happens on my own but I don’t know how to go about telling AJ. I am also debating telling Keyan how I feel not for a reaction from him but just to get it off my chest. Stuck between a rock and a hard place doesn’t even begin to cover it. I pray every night for help but it’s still the same. I guess it’s time for me to do something for myself no matter how difficult it may be. I have to follow my heart and what I want to do because I inted to teach my children the same thing. I just hope I can get out of this rock and hard place without causing serious damage to myself or anyone stuck in here with me.

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