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Posted by on 2012/09/16 under Uncategorized

As a little girl, I never had a father in my life. Being a child, I never thought much of it. It seemed I thought he would someday show up, and be like all the other girls daddies. More and more as I grew up, I started to realize, maybe he never will show up.

By the time I hit 13 years old, I was curious to know about who this man even is. I wanted to know why he isn’t like all my friend’s dads. After a long talk with my mother, I found out he has a few issues of his own, that he will probably never overcome. I started out hopeful. I thought maybe, just maybe, he would change and I would get to have a dad after all. Things in my own life changed, then I became angry. Angry that he wasn’t there, and never will be. Angry at myself, and everyone around me. More and more as I grew up on the inside, I felt pity. I felt that because he wasn’t strong, and I wished that he could be. I also felt pity because he had a daughter that he would never be able to see, and it was no one’s fault but his own.

I feel sad alot, that my other friends have dads, and I don’t. Even some who don’t appreciate theirs. I will always think I deserve a dad. All children who grew up without them, deserve one. It’s terrible for a child to grow up without a parent, it’s a mix of emotions just adding on the the teenage years.

This morning, I had a dream. It was not just a dream to me, though. It was something so amazing in my eyes, that only me will understand, but I’d like to share my feelings. It started out as me in school, just as normal. I went through my classes, and I was having a bad day. When I got home, it was a different house, a different atmosphere. No one was home, so I sat on the couch and did nothing. Then, my father got home. He smiled, lifted me up, and hugged me. I told him about my bad day, and he asked if I wanted to go on a drive. So we did, and I told him all about my day. So then he began to sing to me. It was an amazing song, having to do with god. It was so beautiful and perfect, I started crying. I was crying tears of happiness. I woke up, and was really crying. That dream was so perfect to me, so amazing. I will always remember it.

Of course the dream did have it’s weird dreamlike things, that seem so real, but when you wake up they’re just strange. Another thing, I am also a complete atheist. Never have I really believed in a “god”, or something of those sorts. I think why the dream is so perfect, is because it really would feel nice to believe in something, to have faith. It is just one thing I lack.

Now as a way to mature 15 year old girl, I still have not accepted the fact that he will never be around, but I know it. I am happy I turned out to be the girl I am. It could have been worse, and I tell myself that everyday. I’m just happy to have the family I do have, which is my mother and my two brothers. They mean so much to me.

Thank you for reading.

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