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Posted by on 2012/08/27 under Uncategorized

my past hits me like a tornado, something hurtful, its there it never fades away like something you can’t get rid of. Nobody said it was easy, but everyday i wake up ready to forget about it and move on. It’s pretty hard. in 7th grade i got bullied. By this chick who hated me. it was sort my fault. i let her get to me i became weak. i had battles of thoughts in my head. i became to self harm myself because it was too much and i could’ not take it any longer. At home it was straight up like living hell. I never had that connection with my mom. That mother and daughter connection i wish we had. She was always there to torment me and make me feel the way she felt. She always brought my hope down and reconfirmed all the negative stuff others told me. I was worthless in her face. i was never able to please her. She simply tried making me go through everything she went through in her childhood.. She always took out anger on me. i remember she made me bleed once fro the mouth. She left me bruises and everything. My mom has this thing were they tormented her at work and she became this different person since then. She always took out everything on me during that time and then went i went to school i had to go through all those picks and negative stuff everyone told me. i became a loser, a lame, a slut, a hoe, fake, a b****, a two face, ugly, everything. I use to lock myself in my room at night and ask God why, why me, why did i have to go through this. why me. why. i hated having the family i had i hated my life, i hated school.. It got to the point i would wake up and make excuses that i was sick, i would make myself vomit and say i was sick just to stay home. i pleases all of the haters i had by scaring me but they simply took control over me. i guess i gave them advantage and they felt superior. Then this day came i had fell in love. We went out but i made a promise i broke and my reputation went more down. Everyone hated me more. everyone looked at me like i was the bad one in the story. i lost friends .. i became the unknown for a while i stopped smiing i began the cutting more and more. it was my way of copin with everything then i became called emo and all this. it hurt me but i wouldnt say anything but to cry. I began to drink. i got suspeded once i got caught at school. lucky for me my mom went to go talk to the principal and she let me go back to school. & went i went back everyones faces were like why are u still here? Those motions i felt i would never forget the rejection i had towards everyone. All you heard was my name in everyones mouth. They always heard the other gurls side of the story because they were “cool”. Those tears i left in the halls. Those baggy eyes because i wouldnt sleep. Thos tears i left in my bed, my pillow.. i will never forget. it was hell to me that year. my family all had turned there backs on me. They would always talk s*** about me. i justed wanted to die. to die alone how i was. and the day came i tried it. i overdosed myself. the next morning i woke up half blind. i panicked i screamed i couldnt walk straight i was gunna faint so i screamed and fell to the floor. i skipped school for a whole month. i spent a week at the hospital people thought i was crazy for having suicidal thoughts. i wasnt okay.i left l.a for two weeks and didnt go back to school.. i wanted to be far far away from everyone. i isolated myself. when it was time to come back to school i was scared. everyone all of a sudden cared. My fb was full of paragraphs of notifications while at least a month ago i was tagged in all these post and i was told through messages kill yourself. and then when i come back everyone seems to notice i do exist. I have these flashbacks now in times of all that. then after times passed here came the bullying again like your fat. and all this. i became obssessed with my weight i began to make my self vomit. i purged my food out everytime. then came the day i would eat alot and then purge it out at the end of the day. i lost weight but soon i took counciling it helped me alot… alot went on through my life until now. i ask god to help me. & let me leave this world behind. im tired of of being treated like s***. i want to be something and someone in the future where ill prove everyone that im real and that i can do better than them for making me feel so worthless and thanks to them i cant be happy because when i am once im alone all these flashbacks come to me and they kill me and torment me to my sleep… i have trust issues i dont show my feelings straight up. and i myself become a bully at point. someone idk , idk who i am nomore. i break. i say stuff i dont mean and try to control myself but i try my hardest i want to change what ever happened to my innocence… i need god to help me and give me strength ..

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