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Posted by on 2012/08/27 under Uncategorized

I turn 20 tomorrow. I’ve always found birthday celebrations frivolous, but, this year, I’m struck with some odd sensation of guilt upon changing my age. Since I began university two years ago, I have struggled with an eating disorder and with each stepping stone in my life – New Years, the start of winter, the start of spring, the start of summer…birthdays – I convince myself THIS will be the time I recover. I never do. I want to lead a carefree, whimsical existence, but I’m always holding myself back. I can’t bear to look at myself in the mirror because my face never feels like my face – my body never quite my body. And it’s strange, too, because I want so MUCH more for the world than beauty. If I could contribute something to the universe, I would like it to be miraculous and divine and useful above all things. And that’s not what beauty is, is it? I wish I could switch places with another, so my appearance wouldn’t interfere with my ambition. And I wish I could get used to what everyone sees daily when they look at me. I just can’t cope.

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