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Posted by on 2012/08/01 under Uncategorized

I know I’m being stupid and ridculous but I just can’t stop!
Breif background: Met a boy in January in work and we instantly hit it off. Thing with him thought it just his personality that he gets on well with everyone – he’s so charismatic. Anyway, regardless of that, he was exactly the kind of friend I needed at the time. We worked for 4 days straight together, walked to the bus together, always laughing and chatting then on the last day we went for food after work and he bought me lunch. It was a very kinda gesture which he says was for me lending him money when he was about to miss the bus. Anyway after thoes great few days I knew I wouldn’t be working with him again for a while. I didn’t really mind this fact because at the time I liked another person and only thought of this boy as a friend. But an addictive type of friend that I wanted to get to know really well and hang out with lads… Found him on facebook then after a while and added him. after almost 2 weeks there was no response thought and I was kind of freaked :/ It was stupid of me to worry thought because he did accept me after a few days… Then I had the ritual creep on his page, as is custom when I get a new friend :P, and left it at that and continued on with my life.
Time to put in a side note: He is the same height or a little smaller than me, I’m quite tall at 5’11, a smoker- the one smoker I have ever met that makes smoking look sexy- he has a lovely manner about him, very witty and mannerly and absoultely hilarious! We share the exact same humour. He’s so cofident too, what I want to be basically! His voice is husky from the smoking.
Later in Feburary then he starts talking to me on facebook! We have a great converstaion that lasts long into the night and I am on cloud nine getting this attention from such a boy! such a confident attractive, hard working, admirable boy.

It takes off from there 🙂 We’re talking a lot on facebook. He find out we will be in the city the same day at one point so he gives me his number so we can meet up, never happened sadly. He also almost kind of asked me out when he was telling me he was going out with some mates and what was I doing that night.

He sends me x’s at the end of our converstaions and the very infrequent sweet text. During this time in my life 2 possible romances with other boys came and went and another guy I would see in college and me started getting close. However, through that all, my boy from work was in the back of my mind. Always there, making me laugh and smile. I would be showing my friends funny videos or sharing storys and I’d realised I would have heard the storys from him.. I wanted to tell everyone about him. I wanted to share how socailly perfect he was! So funny and bang on in every situation. I even wanted to tell my mother about him, and I dont tell my mother ANYTHING with regards to boys… Actuallly with regeards anything. But I wanted to ttell her storys about him and how funny and witty and clever he was and how much she would love him because he as qualitys you don’t find in many people that me and my mother both admire and appricate.

Things went along swimmingly for 7 months. I told 3 friends about him, but wouldn’t really discuss him with most of my friends. No one really knew how I really felt about him though… Because as much as I liked him, I am taller than him and with that I’d be naturally heavier than him and I’ve had a lot of problems with my weight over the years and if I was to get with a boy smaller than me I would just feel ugly and like such a man… And I have felt ugly enough throughout my life I don’t need to feel like that in a relationship – A first relationship at that. Also I almost feel that I am not interesting enough for him… Like I do serioulsy think he likes me, but I never understood it… Never understand how people find me attractive or interesting… And I’m afraid that if something were to happen between me and him he’d soon realise I’m actually nothing special… That I’m not any more interesting than any other girl… I didn’t feel good enough for him. Him, everything about him is something I want to be around, his charisma, his intelligence, his easieness. It is something I want to be around but don’t know if I can handle.

What happened:
7 months. 7 months of us cruising along, enjoying each others company. I didn’t understand but we were cruising for a reason. We were going to be working together one evening and it was the first day in work I had been seriously looking forward to in a good while: I was looking forward to it because he would be there…. What a mistake I was making thinking he was perfect. He isn’t. I found out that evening he has a girlfriend. A pretty serious one at that because he was going on a holiday with her to Paris.

All that time, i’d been lied to? He could say I wasn’t lied to because he never said he had a girlfriend, therefore he never lied. But what was all the flirting then? the flirting in work? the flirting over facebook? The wall posts? The texts? the invites to meet up? The compliments? The x’s? It was more than just friendly and everyone I’ve talked to about it has agreed.

When I found out in work I felt as if I’d been hit over the head. I couldn’t even put it into words. I’d only really probably began to really like him a few weeks before… Now I realise he’s had a girl under his sleve the whole time. His facebook status said he was single but putting the peices together… Theres just some boys you know aren’t single. The boys who are too good looking or the boys how have such amazing personalitys they would get any girl.

Why I am being ridicluos:
It’s been a while since I found out. My friend advised me to just stay away from him, that he’s not worth my time. I can’t thought… I should be more angry at him, but I’m not. And if I’m not I’m not… I shouldn’t try make myself angry at him because what use will that do? after less than a week I was over it and just wanted to have the chats with him again. I didn’t want to argue or be a b**** to him over it, because that wasn’t our friendship. Our friendship was easy, slap stick and just a bit of fun. He has a girlfriend, so be it! That means I can get a different (taller) boyfriend as still be as good mates with him as ever. I’m not going to stop talking to him, there’s nothing wrong with accepting his flattery. He offers it all, I don’t provoke any of his nicest to me. I’m not being a slut or a whore.. If I was flirty back to him that was BEFORE I knew he was with someone. NOT MY FAULT. I’m watching myself now though. I will not be the “other woman” to ruin their relationship. I am still going to talk to him thought, I complient him and give him credit where credit is due. I like to make him feel happy and I like how he was telling me things he told me to tell no one else; he trusts me. And to an extent I do trust him.

To be honest I would like us to get together at some point in the future but I don’t think we are meant to be. He is someone who has come into my life though and in what little time I’ve known him he has made such an impact. I hope to know him for years to come. He can be like my cool older brother or gay best friend.

We have chemistry, there’s no denying that. We were out for a work do the other week and we ended up spilting away from the rest of the people… We weren’t talking much at the party but when we went into the city we did make an effort to find each other. Calling (I don’t remember but my phone history says so)and texting.. Then walking to the club we planned to go to we were talking and he was laughing at my jokes and just being happy with him. He wrapped his coat around me from behind- even though I was wearing decent clothes and a long sleve top- and hugged me… Walking through the busy club though he would hold onto me so I wouldn’t get lost. When the others were ahead and I was the last one walking out, with him ahead of him, he reached back to find my hand. It would have worked for him to just hold my wrist and pull me along, but he took my hand then slid his fingers between mine and held my hand like that till we walked out. Me in bliss those few seconds…. He’d have his arm around my waist too and while out a drunk girl called to him asking was I his girlfriend… People notice.

I shouldn’t be acting this way. I should back off and not let him “take advange of me” as some have put it…. But he has such an addictive personality. We are drawn to each other! People notice!!!!
With him in mind anyway I’ve managed to lose 5 pounds the past few weeks. He WILL see me and fall in love with me. No matter how long it takes. He will want me. And I’ll make it hard for him…. Cause I’m a b**** like that.

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