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Posted by on 2012/07/17 under Uncategorized

I just want you to know, that I love you with all my heart and you are perfect to me in every way. From the day I met you a few years ago, sneaking out of the house with my best friend Kelly, and meeting up in front of La Hacienda. Knowing I was the cops daughter who shouldnt even be talking to the biggest trouble maker of the town. I was shy and didn’t really know who I was then. Anything to get away from the house was fine with me. I hugged you and we had to run back home. The days passed and mom was letting you sneak over to see me, and our first kiss in the doorway, me and mom coming out in the hummer to pick you up about 12 at night and coming back to her house. we would cuddle on the couch, and one night we fell asleep and got woke up by charles my stepdad and he was pissed. i begged him not to tell my dad that it wouldnt happen again. we rushed you home, me and you laughing in the backseat. I still remember your smile and your red stoner hoodie, lmao. Then the day you was over, and dad came beating on the door screaming for you. I was scared and you ran in the backroom and hid. i kept screaming at him i love him daddy! you dont understand! and he tore the house apart looking for you but didnt find you. lol we laughed so hard after he left. what a close one. after a few days of you coming to moms. you wrecked your friends motorcycle and got kicked out. you had no where to go since your mom and dad left you and moved away. i begged daddy. please he has nowhere to go please just a few days can he come stay with us! please! dad said you could stay in the camper in the backyard. lmao. so you moved in and every morning i would get up and go wake you up in the backyard for school and dad would always scream from the backporch to get my ass back inside that i had been in there with you too long. Lol. you lived with me for around 6 months I believe? everything was great, but you have jealously problems. i lost my friends because i couldnt even talk to them. people thought I was stupid for being with you but I loved you. All my life I had been ignored by everyone, dad with all his girlfriends, mom was addicted to pills, my sister moved away. and you loved me. thats all i ever wanted and i didnt care what anyone had to say about it. you would have anger outbursts. I was actually scared of you at times and a bit confused. you constantly had my phone, saying i was doing this or that. i didnt understand why you was so worried of me leaving you. but now that im older, i see now that’s all you’ve known is pain from everyone leaving you. your entire family. things got really rough between us and all my friends told me i could do better, that i didnt need that. i started to believe it. and i started to let my anger show to you. i couldnt do it anymore. you sat down on the couch beside me and i told you i couldnt do this anymore that it was over between us. the look on your face haunts me everyday, the tears in your eyes god i dont know what was wrong with me! i acted like it was nothing and walked away like a heartless b****. a few days passed and i had a new boyfriend, you was still living with me and i remember i brought the new guy over and you was sitting on the couch, you looked at me all sad, and it really hit me and i questioned myself, what am i doing. but i let it slide. My new boyfriend was sweet and all, he never got angry or anything. we had fun coonhunting all the time. he would pressure me for sex, but i always stopped right before, i couldnt do it. something told me no. that would always piss him off but i told him sorry im on my period. LOL. I ended up breaking up with him, and dated some guy my friend told me to. You would constantly text me, saying these sweet things, really getting to me, but no i told myself, i cant after everything has happened. we would get home from school and sometimes you would come in my room with me and we would cuddle and watch tv. I still loved you I didnt care. you would beg me, please take me back. i swear ive changed. we can be happy again. please. and i would always tell you no. seeing you crying KILLED me you dont understand! i still hate myself for every pain ive ever caused you babe! i still wouldnt take you back, you told me you was joining the army. you couldnt take this anymore. i told you i didnt care. why the f*** did i ever say that. I could kill the past me. Then the day came. June 9th. you was leaving for basic that night. It hit me and i told you i loved you with all my heart and i was sorry for everything, i dont know what was wrong with me! why did i ever do that to you. me and you was both crying and i told you i never wanted you to leave and you said i cant. they are coming now to pick me up for Fort benning. I done signed the papers. why didnt you tell me this before i wouldve never joined! god it was horrible. I hated my life and felt so much pain in my heart. the pain of the person you love leaving with no control on whether you can stop it or not is unbearable. i felt like my heart was being ripped out. You had always been there for me, i had never known what it was like for you to be gone, you had been with me for a year and a half. we may have been broke up for 2 months but you knew i loved you. we both knew it! you never know what you have till its gone. believe it. The bus showed up in the driveway, dogs barking, i stood there crying as i watched you leave. i cried for days straight. i wanted to kill myself for the idiot i had let myself become. why did i listen to my friends. why didnt i listen to my heart. you was gone. we wrote emotion filled letters back and forth for the next 4 months. we where back together and everyone knew it. I didnt care what anyone said anymore, the friends that didnt like it, they left. I was happy again. i would wait everyday for the mail to run, getting your letters and reading them was amazing. the days i didnt get any were depressing. Finally it was time for you to graduate basic! i had never been so happy in my life! it was in october. dad, my cousin and i made the trip down there to go see it, and pick you up. i remember sitting way up in the bleachers and watching the whole thing. it was neat as hell. i was on the phone with you and i said you cant miss dad he is wearing a bright orange carhartt shirt, lmfao. time came and we made our way down to go find you in the crowd. we saw each other and my heart skipped a beat. i have never felt such enjoyment in my life. i was rushed with emotions. we both stood there hugging with tears in our eyes. our life was back. we where happy. you came home for a month and we where the happy couple I dreamed of. then time for you to leave came and you left for base in Colorado. We kept our relationship alive through text and phone calls while you was gone. you came home a couple of times after that on leave and we was this amazing couple, everyone wanted a relationship like us. i dont remember the exact day you told me you was deploying. but i remember sitting in the cafeteria and you told me you was leaving soon by text. you didnt know the date till then. You came home on leave. time flew by and the day came. June 9th again. this time you wasnt leaving to a safe place though, you where going to afghanistan. I felt so much dread in my heart. I was so scared. i felt like i was losing myself! i was going to lose you to this bulls***! I told you dont leave. you dont have to do this. we can run away and i wont have to worry about you dying! god the feeling i still remember it! you said we can do this. we got this. look what we have already been through with your dad, everything. we can do this. i had never wanted to die anymore than i did then. i felt the world on my shoulders. you left for afghanistan and i remember you calling me, and me not waking up, the voicemail you left, you was crying. the sorrow i felt when i woke up and heard that. i just wanted to beat myself in the head why the f*** didnt i wake up. the next 7 months of my life was hell. Spending nights crying myself to sleep. taking things so i wouldnt know the pain. not knowing whether you was okay or not. it killed me. it made me numb to everything and everyone. i stopped doing the things i loved. i was depressed as hell. no one understood what i was going through. i felt so much anger i ever let this happen. it was my fault you where even there and if something happened it was MY FAULT! the times you called me crying, telling me you loved me you had to go. i didnt know what to feel, i was so scared for you. if i lost you i lost everything. when we would go days without talking i would lose myself in my own world it felt like. you would call and tell me these stories, stories that ripped my heart out and really affected me. the guy who killed himself because his wife left him while he was over there. i will never forget that. i dont know how many times i cried about that guy. you would call me and we would talk, you would start choking up and cry, you’d tell me about your friend who just go blown up here recently by a IED. I wish i could of just hugged you then and told you everything was okay. i love you. time finally came and you came home for R & R in december. I remember seeing you! hugging you so tight, you made it babe. we left the airport and i hugged your arm the whole drive home. i love you so much. you where different when you came home. you had grown up. you wasnt the kid anymore you where a man now. you also had hidden secrets. you no longer opened up to me, told me your feelings or anything. just anger. before we knew it, it was time for you to go back to afghanistan. god i dreaded it. you said you was going to break your leg so you didnt have to go back lol. Nana, papaw, and I took you back to the airport. I remember seeing you walking away crying. i will never forget that babe. the same s*** again for the next months, more unbelieveable things happening. you continue to get madder and madder and so stressed out. I dont know what to do to help you, i hated it. you slipped up one conversation with me, you was freaking out about something, you said I’ve got blown up 7 times! i stopped and thought for second. oh my god, im sorry. i didnt know. im sorry. i cried forever after that. he said thats why i didnt tell you. i knew you would cry. you came home in june, there was scars on your head and face you didnt have before. i was scared to ask about them. we had times where you would just break down, i could see the confusion and pain in your face. you where never meant to do what you done. it really has hurt you and i feel i am the blame. some nights we would lay in bed, you would already be asleep and i would cuddle up against you and cry. what would i ever do without you. i love you with everything i have. i couldnt imagine me without you. what about the families whos soldier didnt come home. you are one of a kind and NO ONE could ever replace you. i was so glad for you to be home again, safe. the deployment is over. the birthdays we missed together, anniversaries. everything. lost moments we cant get back. one night after we all where watching fireworks. we went deep into the woods. you had this crazy setup with candles and everything, we sat down and you started talking about things. you opened up to me for the first time in forever. i understood things somewhat now. I am thinking now, it wasn’t your fault babe. things just happen. everything is okay i swear. i love you. we stood up and you got down on one knee and asked me to marry you. of course i said yes. i hadnt been so happy in my life. we came home, cuddled up in bed, and went to sleep shortly after that. the next morning we got up early, you had to leave again. back to base. heartwrenching to feel so happy, then it all gets torn away again. you are back in colorado again. and I just want to know I love you with all my heart, this has been the best 3 1/2 years of my life. i wouldnt trade it for the world. i couldnt ask for a better person to spend the rest of my life with. We have been through everything imagineable. but we always made it out. you are the best thing that has ever happened to me and i love you. forever and always 3-10-0 NINER BABE!I know things are rough still right now, but im always going to be here through thick and thin. cant wait to see you in a few months honeybunny 🙂

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