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Posted by on 2012/06/23 under Uncategorized

I never thought he would be the type to hurt me.
I thought he would NEVER do that to me. He told me, “I would never hurt you.”
Well what a f***ing lie. If he loved me, he wouldn’t do all this f***ing bulls***, of making his effort to hurt me. well he’s done it now.
And i probably will hide until, i actually feel okay. Which, is a really long time.
Something that big, or something that actually means to me, would make me miserable.
I honestly, can’t stand his drinking.. He says, he’s a so called “productive drinker”.
I always tell him, to settle down. “no, it means you could drink whenever you want.”
Well guess what? it’s not… he’s an alcoholic… i really want him to stop.
There’s alot more, like how he’d go out, and have fun, and whore around with 16-19 year olds.. Yet he has one girl that actually likes\loves him?
I’m sorry, if i write alot. nowadays, i have no one. that’s why i’m a so called “hermit”. but really, i really don’t know who or what gave him the idea, to actually do this. He used me for sex, well… pleasure. i really.. don’t even know how to feel about it, how should i even feel?
I know used.. But sad? upset? confused?… I’m kinda a mess, i can’t even look at the guy with out crying.. but, he made me so f***ing happy. i love him, he was amazing, until we actually had sex. it was good, but not the part where he just left me after that..
Well, it kinda went down hill before that. I kinda did something, he didn’t like..
I didn’t cheat, but i went out drinking with a few friends. well guys, and maybe two girl friends.
He found out after that night, and we got in a HUGE fight. he cried, and yelled, i cried, and screamed also. But it’s not f***ing fair.
He got to drink, i let him drink, smoke. but not get high.
He got mad at me, for smoking, and we had another fight. This pain, and heartache hurts. it honestly does. i changed into a better person, but he hasn’t.
I’m not saying, I’m better than him, i’m saying, he has changed a tad bit, but he drinks and smokes much more often. He even put alcohol before, friends and school.
That’s not the guy fell in love with. He used to be this amazing, kind guy, with a wonderful personality. i just love everything about him.
But now that he’s saying, all this s*** about me, behind my back. I don’t even know what to think of him anymore. But i know, he’s in there somewhere. he’s hiding, because of our past relationship. we’ve been on and off. but that didn’t stop me from being in love with him.
but sometimes, i feel like what if love isn’t enough?
What if you already fell out of love with me?
Stupid thoughts, always, have a way making me worry, and i start to become more vulnerable with my own thoughts and others.
He should know, he could have someone to make him happy, or he could have this feeling forever. Other than have it for the night.
He should know better. but right now, sounds like i’m complaining.
Which i should even do. but i basically have no-one.
But like they all say, It’s his life. let him be a alcohlic. He doesn’t deserve a girl like me… but i want him, and only him…
I just afraid, to talk to him about it. sometimes, it leads to fighting, and yelling. but that’s how we work. we fight for what we want.
Actually he only, wanted what’s best for me. because, he loved me. because he cared so much about, and ever since that night, he doesn’t trust me, anymore.
I guess, i kinda said something, rude/harsh. when i was spending the night.
we we’re laying down, talking and cuddling, and teasing each other.
but when it got serious, he asked. “out of all the boys, who do you think you’d be with if we never went out.. ?” i told him, “what kind of question is that?”
“i don’t know, it’s just a question, can you answer it please?”
Well i replied, with… ” the first guy i went with..
He stood for a while and turned away. I said, “well?! you asked for an answer!”
He ignored me, and said, “well yeah, you didn’t have to be so ignorant about it.” but i asked him, the same question, and he quickly replied, with my ex best friend. “kiana.” honestly, i wanted to b**** him out so bad. but i replied, with “oh”. It’s not actually a fight, but i remember the little fights we always had.
I just hate how he’s so hypocritical. i even yell at him, and i try to make him realize. but i’ll let him do it on his own. buuuut. idk. I’m so overtired, i can’t even do this right now. i’ll just breakdown. What do i even do about this?! please help… idkkkk… f***. bye.

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