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Posted by on 2010/10/13 under Uncategorized

I love him. I really do. He knows I used to hurt myself but he still tells me he wants to die. Him and I are like twins, but I’m a white girl and he’s a black guy. He was born the day before me. We have both been hurt by my best friend and his ex having to move because of a custody battle that ended with her pregnant mom losing custody because the step-dad was sexually abusing her. How was the mom supposed to know? Both of us have had paranormal experiences, involving ghosts as well as “visions”. So what? We are teenagers and see the future randomly. Big deal. It’s stopped for me though. I bet it did for him too. But every time him or some on else I care about tells me that they want to die, I fear that I will start hurting myself again. I talk to people to keep myself calm, but sometimes no one is there to talk. It hurts me to hear them say all of this because I’m the girl who wished that all the pain and disease and all the suffering of anyone and everyone just, dissapear. I’m the girl who when asked what she wanted for her birthday, said she wanted all her friends and family to be happy and healthy. My wish didn’t exactly come true. I also used to wish that I could take all the suffering in the world and transfer it all to my own body. I’m the girl who would dive infront of a bullet to save some1, or so I like to tell myself. One of my best guy friends cuts himself. My best friend ever cuts herself, or did. I gave the guy a reason to live. He told me so last night. He told me that I saved his life, that if I hadn’t talked him out of it that night, he would be dead. I guess I did save some1. And every second of my own pain is worth it knowing that I saved some one’s life. My biggest problem is that I’m not sure anybody truely loves me. I used to send a text to some1 every morning saying “good morning beautiful, I love you” just so they would have a good start to their day. She told me to stop sending it to her because it costs her parents money. No one had ever done anything like that for me. Every day I smile. I’m an actress. I have a “beautiful voice” and sing the saddest songs. Those songs are the story of my life. I really did go through the pain of losing my bestfriend. I really did go through s tough break up. I really do have people that hate me. I really dont see a happy ending to my life, let alone the day. I really did think I lost a best friend multiple times because I love him so much and became jealeous when. I heard he liked my best friend. So what? I have a right to it. I kissed him when I was 5. It’s all complicated. It’s my life. And I want out but don’t know how to get out. I can’t leave everyone behind by commuting suicide for those people who really do care. I asked some1 to kill me and he laughed and asked if I brought a gun. When I said no, I suggested using a knife. He said it wouldnt pierce my heart bcause it would probably break upon impact with my skin. He was joking bout it all. I can’t remember what got me to act like that. All I can remember was that I wasn’t kidding. I really wanted him to kill me. I’m still alive. You can’t I die?

3 thoughts on “

  1. Anonymous says:

    I would give half of my life just to get a message like the one you used to send to your friend – I know just by reading your words that you are a very special person , I am not here to pretend that I know more or understand better , I write you this only to let you know that I care .

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  2. Anonymous says:

    u crazy,,, go get a life

  3. Anonymous says:

    i know what do you mean, i love someone very much. She is the only woman in my life, her name is Dina. I am married to her for a long time and love for us is so important. If something happen to her i will kill myself.
    I understand you and i know what do you fell.
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