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Posted by on 2012/04/14 under Uncategorized

Hello everyone. I’m an 18 year old boy, and I am gay. I’m out to most of my family and all of my friends, and I don’t care who knows. I’m fine with my sexuality. Other than that, I have been suffering from panic attacks and depression for the past 6 years of my life. It got to a really bad point last year, and I was cutting and I became bulimic for about 3 months. My parents and my sister thought it was best if I went to therapy, so I went. It helped to an extent. She put me on Prozak (an anti-depressant), and it did its help for about a month, but then things seemed to be back to normal and depressing for me. I eventually made myself get over everything and it was a struggle, but I started doing better. For the past year, I have been pretty good, still a panic attack every now and then, but not nearly as bad as they were before. Recently (speaking about 2 months ago), I randomly started getting panic attacks more frequently out of no where, and they have gradually gotten worse. For the past month, I have had a panic attack at least once every single day. I just constantly felt like i couldn’t breathe, or I felt like something was going to go wrong with me. Just 2 weeks ago, I was having a panic attack, like usual, but just lasting for about 10-15 minutes like they usually do, this one didn’t seem to go away. I tried my hardest to take deep breaths and relax and relieve myself of all the anxious and scary emotions I was feeling. Nothing seemed to be working, which made me panic even more. The only thing that I could possibly do was to weep, severely. I couldn’t control my crying. The tears just started bursting out of my eyes like a massive volcano erupting. At this point, I knew I wasn’t right. I knew I was losing control. I knew everything was slowing down, and every single uttering emotion was just shooting at me and slapping me in the face. I felt like everything about my existence was falling apart. Everything seemed so scary, like no other fear I have ever felt before in my life. Fear so bad that I wouldn’t even wish it upon my worst enemy. The crying got worse. It felt worse then dieing. My felt like it was exploding. I try to calm myself……BLACKNESS…… Everything is a blur from this point. I remember some points in time from this, but not the whole thing. I grabbed my scissors, and chopped a big chunk of my hair off. The hair falling off my own head in front of my face made the crying even worse, so bad that I felt so numb, too numb that the crying turned into a pale emotionless scared face. I used the same scissors and slit my wrists multiple times too. I haven’t slit my wrists in a year. I knew at this point I was gone. Completely separated from the world, and everything and everyone around me. Still so numb. Blood dribbled down my arm, and I couldn’t take the sight. At this point, I believe i passed out. I remember me seeing myself on a morticians table. I remember seeing others in a cold abyss. They were dead. I was seeing something I have never seen ever before. It was the scariest thing I have ever witnessed in my entire life. I woke up the next morning feeling incredibly light headed. I didn’t remember a lot of what happened to me the night before. I started taking Adderall that wasn’t prescribed to me. It seemed to be the only thing to make me forget about all the horrid things that happened to me that night. It made me feel happy, and not wanna curl up in a ball and rot myself away in the darkness. After this whole horrific and confusing experience, I did learn to appreciate myself and my life more. I never realized how scary it really is to even feel what death really feels like. I was a depressed careless teenager who always wanted to die. I was wrong. The feeling of seeing stuff like I saw that night, and feeling like you are dead, you learn to appreciate your life. I swear to myself I will never think of dieing or killing myself ever again. I feel shameless for even letting myself have thoughts like that. You are your worst critic, but don’t let yourself take you down. You mind can do some pretty crazy things to you, things unimaginable. As for my state now, I am going to start therapy again soon, and get my life on the right track. For anyone who had ever felt or suffered from this disgusting illness, please get help ASAP. It destroys you, inside and out. I learned the hard way, and I do not want anyone to ever have to suffer through the misery I went through. You all are beautiful inside and out, and you are a gift of God. Don’t ever let anyone and most importantly yourself tell you that you are any less than you truly are. ~hugs~

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