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Posted by on 2012/04/03 under Uncategorized

LONG BUT WORTH IT

I feel like I’m very lonely. I want to have that “special someone” in my life. I’ve been with a few guys who I thought were the perfect match for me and I really thought it was going to last with them, by lasting of course I meant marriage. Unfortunately, none of them were the person I thought they were. I’ll tell you their stories.

This first guy, he was kinda like my first “real” relationship. I’ve known him since I was a little kid. Then a few years ago I realized I developed this crush towards him. I told him how I felt and he claimed he felt the same way. After being together for a couple of months I started to notice he always puts this girl’s name on his status. I knew her. I asked him who she was and he said she was his sister’s friend. Think about it, why would he write his sister’s friend’s name on his status with a heart next to it. I didn’t believe what he said but I just acted like I did and continued the relationship like nothing was wrong; I was young and in love. There were a few flaws in this relationship like we weren’t actually talking to each other on the phone and we didn’t see each other that often and we were really shy when we were around each other. To be honest he was amazing with me, he even told me that he was planning to marry me after he finishes high school. We got into fights often, but this last fight was why we broke up. I told him several times not to tell my older sister about our relationship and he would usually tease me and say he would but he never did. We were in Paris a couple of years ago. There was this guy my sister tried to hook me up with (let’s name him Kingston). My ex knew that my sister wanted to hook me up with him and he was pissed. One day, my sister decides that her, Kingston, my ex and I should go out together. We did, of course it was very awkward for me. Kingston , my ex and my sister were riding in the back. I rode in the front passengers seat because I didn’t want to get stuck sitting in the middle between my ex and Kingston. My ex was so jealous that he told Kingston that we were together and Kingston told my sister, my sister got pissed and told me so I got really mad and started a fight which didn’t end well and we broke up. A few months later I got really close to one of his close friends, SF. SF told me that my ex told his friends that he wanted to marry me and that his phone password was my name. Me and my ex fought via text messages a few times and I stopped talking to him. We were together for only 6 months.

The second guy which I really truly loved. I’ve known him for a few years. My friend decided to hook us up. It was awkward at first but it got better day by day. I even remember the first phone call was 1 hour and 25 minutes. I fell in love with him instantly. He would call to wake me up and vise versa. When I talked to him, I felt like nothing in this world was better. We had our ups and downs. We broke up 3 times but got back together eventually. February of 2011, in Dubai, we were both there. We just broke up. My friend was with his friend and they wanted to meet up at their place so my friend dragged me with her. We knocked on Flynn’s (my ex) door and he opened and gave me a hug. I loved his hugs. It was awkward because my friend was there and I couldn’t “be myself”. Flynn took my phone and refused to give it back to me. My friend waited for her boyfriend to wake up but he didn’t and her mother called her so she had to leave. We both came in the same car. I asked Flynn to give me my phone, he refused so my friend just left and said she’ll send me back the car. As soon as she left, he gave me my phone. As if he was telling me “please don’t go, I miss you.” I knew what he meant, so I stayed. We talked for a while then he opened his laptop and told me to listen to I Need A Doctor. What the song basically means is that he misses me and I’ve been gone for too long. He took my phone and wrote “I miss you”. Being the idiot that I am, I took one glance at the phone and tossed it back to him. He laughed, knowing that I was shy. My head was on his chest while his arm was around me. I felt like nothing could harm me. He started to passionately kiss my neck. I was turned on, but I did not know what to do, well because I’ve never been in this position. I just let him kiss and kiss and kiss my neck. I knew he wanted to kiss my lips, it showed in his eyes. So every time he leaned in for the kiss, I would avoid it. Then he told me to close my eyes; I knew what he wanted, to kiss me. I fooled around and acted stupid. Finally, he kissed my hands, then my forehead, then my cheeks, then he kissed the place between my cheek and my lips, then finally he gave me my first kiss. I was very happy and very shy so I dug my head into his collarbone; he hugged me and laughed because he knew how shy I was. Before summer vacation, I needed to know if he was serious about me. So me and my friend kinda plotted something and basically I told him that someone proposed to me and that if he wanted me he should tell me so I would know what to say. At first he was like “This is your decision, its your life, blah blah blah” then I told him that I asked him because I want an answer from him. Yes or no. He said that he does want me to be in his wife in the future but he was scared that he wouldn’t be able to give me what I needed. Sounds like the perfect man, no? I caught him cheating on me on the summer vacation. We were going to the same countries. I instantly stopped talking to him. I wouldn’t even look at him. I went to Marbella, he was already there. I saw him everyday. My sister would say hi to him and couldn’t care less. I saw him once with his mother, I went to his mom and said hi and made small talk with her and I didn’t even glance at him. A few days later I went to Paris. He went there a few days after I did. Same routine; I wouldn’t even look at him. Except this one time where he smiled at me and I just looked away. It was so hard not talking to him, I kept repeating to myself “Don’t look at him. Just don’t. He broke your heart”. I felt so proud of myself. A whole month of not looking at him or talking to him. Until one day I really missed him so I stupidly called him and asked him if it was true (him cheating) although I knew it was 100% true. Of course he denied it. I wished I could’ve believed him, but unfortunately I saw proof and I couldn’t. We were on the same plane going back home. I was talking to him the whole 6 hours. I told him I missed him, guess what he said.. Nothing. Got back home, nothing really changed. I talked to him once every 2 weeks or so. I just had a photo shoot so I put one of the pictures as my display picture. He started flirting and it was my birthday so he claimed he had a gift for me. I asked him what was it? He said I’ll have to see him first. When I saw him, his so called gift was that he wanted me back. While he patiently waited for an answer, I was thinking to myself that I shouldn’t get back with him. I got hurt way too many times. So I told him I’m sorry but I can’t. I can say that it was literally the hardest thing for me to do. He got pissed because he wasn’t expecting me to reject him; he stopped talking to me for days. Last month we got into an argument. He said bad things about my sister so I didn’t even hesitate to yell at him. We both got pissed, I deleted him off BBM and I haven’t said a word to him since. Btw, we’ve been together for almost a year. I loved him and I still do. I always feel the urge to call him and cry my heart out and apologize even though I know it’s his fault. My brain can’t understand the fact that I’ve probably lost him forever and to be honest, it hurts like hell. Every time we got into an argument and broke up I had this feeling that what ever happens, in the end we would find our way back together, but this time was different; I’ve lost him forever. Maybe I’m being dramatic but it really is what I feel.

The last guy I was in relationship was my friend. He was always there for me and from the first time I saw him I knew I had feelings for him. We were friends for a few months then I told my best friend that I had feelings for him but I was too scared to tell him because he might not feel the same. She told me she was going to tell him. She acted like I didn’t tell her anything and she talked to him and found out that he had feelings for me as well. She gave him the idea that he should talk to me and we should hook up. He sent me this long message that said that he really liked me and he knew that I’ve been hurt before and he was too and he told me that we would help each other heal. I thought that because we were both hurt that we were perfect for each other. The truth is he was nothing but amazing with me. He would call just to say I love you. Call me before I sleep just to say goodnight. Before I knew it, I was falling for him. I saw him once and I felt loved. He would say the sweetest things to me. He put his arms around me making me feel secure. Then a few weeks later, he told me that he couldn’t go on with this relationship for personal reasons. I was depressed. I really thought he was perfect for me. I would even text him even though I knew he wouldn’t reply. I’m not the type of person that would beg for someone to come back to me, but I did with him because I really fell for him. We only lasted for a month or so, but it felt like years. I thought he loved me too of the things he would say to me. Obviously, I was proved wrong.

Now, I have crushes on about 2 or 3 boys. One of them has a crush on me, he’s told me he wanted me in bed and that I was beautiful and I have a nice personality. The other guy sends me mixed signals. I’ve told him that I like him and that he means a lot to me, he said that he does too but he doesn’t want to get into a relationship because he doesn’t want to hurt me. I think that’s bulls***. The last guy sends mixed signals as well. He would flirt one day, and the other he would just talk to me like I just met him.

Yeah, I know, I have a f***ed up love life. I hate to say this but I think I’m starting to get desperate. It’s like I just want someone to love me, someone to need me, someone who actually cares about me. I want someone I can act all girly with and be his one and only. Someone who I can call when I’m feeling bad. Someone who will stay and hug me when I’m depressed. Someone that will wipe my tears away. That’s what I need; what I deserve. I also want someone who will kiss me so passionately that I don’t even want to think about anything other than him. I want someone who will spend time with me and will listen to what I have to say without judging me. The only question is, where do I find Mr. Right?

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