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Posted by on 2021/12/04 under Life

I am not really sure who I am. All I know is I'm 21 and I do everything I want. I thought I was doing things the right way other than smoking in secret there's nothing for me to hide from my parents. Yet this one day when mum felt broken and she told me things that…Ivw done I felt broken. Every sentence I spoke actually hurt my parents..there's not a single word that comes out of my mouth is okay to them..like I think I'm talking normally but to them it actually hurt them. How am I supposed to talk then? They make fun of me I'm supposed to laugh at it but just imitating them for a second hurts them alot. How am I supposed to behave? I really don't understand
I know Im not the best daughter in the world and I know they deserve a daughter who's good at everything. They are great parents they get me everything I want and they do everything I want. They love me to the core. So do I'm but there's only so much I can do. Knowing I can't live up to their dreams and knowing I'm not good enough for them makes it really hard for me to even wake up in the morning. I know I'm useless ugly fat shameless lazy…everything every word you could possibly think of that's me. I'm no good I know that too. I'm selfish.
I'm just trying to be alive to get through my life so my parents don't have to cry cause of me. But everything I do makes them cry.i have no motive in liffe. I don't feel the need to live or celebrate festivals or meet families or go on trips with your family. I don't want any of that
I'm still trying to figure out the purpose of my life and it's so scary knowing I'm never getting an answer to that cause it's simple I'm that useless I don't have any talents I'm not good at studies I don't look good I don't have any good habits there's nothing good to tell about me. I'm just bad news I know I'm uglyy disgusting tolook at a disappointment is everyone's eyes, I'm that ugly friend , cousins, sister, daughter, granddaughter that everyone has to unfortunately deal with.
If I knew what I wanted in my life I wouldn't be here rambling. I don't know what's the use of living. It should've been me who's dead and one of my sister's who had to be aborted just cause I'm living that had to live.
Being q girl all my life from family to school to college I'm nothing a but a disappointment. Imagine ur mom telling u only ur dad and ur mom were happy to see you the rest of the family cried cause you were born q girl. Is it my fault?

Sometimes I just want to take a blade and cute my stomach out or keep cutting myself until there's no more pain I could take.

My grandma told me the reason my parents are sad is cause of me. They struggle cause of me.they work hard causeof me.
I don't want it
I don't evem want to live.
Everytime I think of ending it all I can think about is how much pain my parents will be in if I die. I canttake that.
They don't deserve that. They deserve nothing but happiness. Which I'm failing at giving them. I know I don't deserve them or my uncle's or my grandma or any of my friends.
I don't know what to do anymore.
I'm just living
Just…I'm jsut there.
I don't like being the reason for others sadness but only reason people around me are sad is always me.

What am I going to do?
What am I supposed to do?
Who am I supposed to be?
How I wish I could just end it all and suffer in hell.
I don't mind taking all the pain I've given to my family all these years. I deserve all that pain.
Should be tortured with it.

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