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Posted by on 2021/10/12 under Life

I feel like I've been at a crossroads for the last two years. I graduated college in 2019. I've had part time job after internship after unemployment after part time job after online boot camp that never was finished after a 6 month part time job, literally ALL unrelated to each other. Cafe to accounting in Japan to back to America again in NGO sales to telemarketing insurance to teaching languages now. My degree is in French and economics and international studies from a state school, which I didn't really even want to go to but my parents forced me to. Yet they paid 0 cents for it at all. My longest work exp is working for 2 years as a banquet server in college. I didn't know that we had to do internships and gain exp during college. I was just busy focusing on graduating. I'm teaching languages now(Japanese and English) but it's not making enough money for me to live decently. If I had the power, I would start a social business, on fashion or finance…maybe. But I don't have the power or funds or motivation or intelligence or energy or decisiveness or faith in myself to follow through any word I say. I'm having a hard time cuz I was the perfectionist overachiever until I graduated high school and was finally out of my parents' grasp where I could breathe and just get minimal grades. I still got a 3.4 and triple majored. I've relied on my bf that found the mess I had become after college and picked me up. I hate how much I rely on him for a lot and feel like a pathetic loser, just like my dad tells me I am. But I'm paying half the rent with my bf, idk why I feel so powerless and defeated. I'm not on the lease though cuz he forgot to write my name on the second document…and I probably don't have enough income to be on the lease…I want to travel and learn languages. I want to be of use to society…I feel like garbage. So should I just leave? But my bf loves me. No one has loved me like he has. I love him too I think…a bit. I can't marry him though, I don't trust him enough. Will I ever trust anyone enough? I wish to turn into bubbles

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