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Posted by on 2021/07/30 under Life

And here I am back again, once again, exactly where I was.
Try and try to improve myself, and yet fall back down to where I was.
I am tired of living life. I am tired of the pain. I just want it all to end.
If it means the world ending, so be it. Just end my pain, I am begging you.
Please, anyone out there, end my pain.
How come others get to live a happy life while I have to suffer?
How come every day I wake up and I feel nothing but intense pain and regret that I woke up.
How come they get to be happy after leaving me behind to suffer?
I just want it all to end. I am tired of this pain. I am tired of this life. I wish, I just wish for all the pain to end.
My heart can't take it any more.
There is no point in living. What exactly is the point in life?
All it is is constant suffering with no happiness.
I am not dead, yet my heart feels dead. I feel dead on the inside. My heart feels so heavy.
Once again I am wondering, why are some others so happy while others suffer?

If I could go back in time, I wouldn't have ever said hi to any of you. You didn't bring me any happiness, just a lot of pain and nothing more.

No one knows of the struggle I go through, so all day I have to smile and pretend that I am completely okay when on the inside I am crying and dying.

All I ever wanted was to be happy man. That's literally all I wanted. Instead all I get is people who are broken. They come to me and I fix them. And then it is goodbye. Was I destined to become a healer?

I just want to curl up in a hole and disappear from this world. Can someone please pray for me?

Why did this happen? Can I go back in time and unmeet you all? I wish I could.

I never expected to live this long. I got better, I swear I did. But now I have come full circle again. What did I do to you that I deserve this? All I did was try to help you.

There is no one left. I can't talk to the only people left. There is nothing to be done. I no longer am willing to rant. I don't want to be vulnerable. I just want to cry. I just want to disappear off this Earth.

Can you help me? I am falling down off the edge again.

I have fallen and can't get back up. Where is my life man? Where is my happiness? Heck, where is my normal life?

Just crying crying and crying. Leaving abandoning.
Depressing. Anxiety.

Watch all the people that are going to care about me if I were to disappear. But do they care now? No.

I can't give pain to people who care about me. That is my biggest problem.

If that wasn't a problem, I would have been free. And instead, here I am. Writing this out instead.

Why did you have to stop talking to me? Why did you have to be mean to me? Why did you have to use me to make yourself feel better?

2 thoughts on “To All the Girls I’ve Loved Before

  1. Anonymous says:

    “Why did you have to stop talking to me? Why did you have to be mean to me? Why did you have to use me to make yourself feel better?”
    Because they are selfish and many more. But it’s not your fault that you help them in their needed. May be it’s in your nature to help needed people. Don’t cry for them. You can find these type of people around you. Trust me how to felt when you help our friends then they stopped talking to you and ill speaking about you . It hurts most. Don’t worry don’t mind these types of people. Just be yourself and wake and take some walk then you find other creatures of God . I am talking about animals. I am sure when you find a cute animal in any trouble just help him. Then you find a little peace in your heart.
    Just try this.

  2. Anonymous says:

    You don’t need some great love to come and make you happy. Your life is about YoU and only you. If you make your life about others, that are surely to come and go, be prepared to be let down. I’m sorry you feel left used and abandoned but meeting people, especially falling in love should only leave you feeling hopeful. During that time you loved, I really can’t believe you can look bad on love and feel that it was useless. In those years, months or days you cared deeply for someone, you spent time getting to know them and falling for them. You might be in love with falling in love. It is considered a high. It’s intoxicating. Don’t live for it. Live for today, for now, what adventures are around the corner. Wake up everyday and make it fulfilling, stay curious with the hopes of meeting new people, just stay curious for life. When you feel sad take a walk in nature. Remember to give without expectations is the kindest thing anyone can do. Let go of the expectations and live for the experience. It will change you completely. Keep the confidence you have in love, let time heal, be your caring self but don’t set yourself up with expectations. Everything happens for a reason, you cannot rush life. I’m not much of a prayer but I will for you. Don’t be hard on yourself or anyone else. Don’t do anything stupid, please.

    I’m sure there are reasons to why people do things regardless if you find out why or not. We are all just trying to live.

    With care your friend,
    Shipwrecked in the open sea

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