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Posted by on 2021/02/08 under Life

I can feel my brain trying to relapse into depression. It's repeating. Getting harder to breathe, thinking about death too often. I don't want to die. I'm just afraid I might be killing myself from the inside.

You see, I have this flaw, this habit, this tendency, to sabotage things for myself. This time I'm sabotaging my health. I don't want to get sick. Family dynamics keep getting worse. I wish everybody becomes happy. Even if that means living separately. If everybody is more happy separately then make it happen universe. I don't want my family to perish. I don't want me to perish either.

Breathing sometimes becomes burdensome. I don't want it to. But by being burdensome it makes me feel more centered to this planet. Makes me realise I'm human. I'm unpredictable. That's okay. As long as I do good, do better. As long as I make an effort to not be mean. I'll be okay. But sometimes the thought of jumping off a cliff becomes all too tempting.

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