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Posted by on 2021/01/03 under Life

It's been so long.

It's been a while since I felt this way. I have a job, a house; I have Friends, I have entertainment. Things to do. A place to sleep, good, even a decent computer. Things to avoid thinking of my self. Of my real feelings.

But now its here. It's been so long. And even though the environment, the context is new, different, its bone is the same. Nothingness. Lack of objective. Loneliness. Depression.

I even feel bad for writing about this. I feel bad for being a human being with actual emotions and the needance for expressing them. Of communicating. It feels like cheating, like being less, like being worse than others. I wish I actually didnt have these thoughts of grandeur. But I do have them, and they make me feel worse. It's like a f***ing curse.

I dont feel capable of connecting with someone. I have the need. The need for desperatingly express love, exploding to someone. Caring for someone. Holding hands. Kissing. Buying gifts. Resting with them. It's what I thirst for.

And at the same time, I feel incapable of doing so. Like they ability to be sincere and honest, and really being able to feel love for someone is gone, genuinely being me, has gone away for ever. There is no "real me" with a cooperative side. The real me is a lonely guy, comfortable in his day-by-day. No effort. No going up nor going down. Isolated.

Why then I crave for company. For sharing. Why do I crave for giving love away, in a passionate way. I even feel scared for how much attention I feel the need to give. Maybe its the opposite, and its me the one Who needs the attention. I dont really care at this point.

It's just there.
Ill just go to rest now, and tomorrow Will be another day. I know myself. The night tires me, It takes away my emotional stability.

Or does It make me confront my real emotions?

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