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Posted by on 2020/11/20 under Life

I haven't written in awhile. Spent alot of my time being sick and just feeling
emotionally unwell. It's not that I've been crying, I rarely do.
Anyways, Life was hard a few months ago or more.
I can't even fathom what was going through my head at the time.
, because even I didn't know.
Fast forward; to today.
Today, I just want to discuss the way I am and my incapability of expression.
So things happened months ago.
I met someone, had casual conversations, you know the laughter and honest kind.
It was very natural, I think my heart grew.
But then I realized, Why did I not put myself out there? why?
Things were going great-you know…
Now, i'm going to tell you one thing that I know, It was the way he looked at me, the way he spoke to me, I didn't have to dig to know what was going on.
It was something that was on the surface.
I should have just put it all on the table, but I didn't.. I felt as if that I couldn't… geez is he out of my league? I asked myself at those moments.
Why am I thinking like this? I never think like this, It made me feel impure but I was just captivated.
I've never felt this way in my life and i'm afraid that I will feel this way again.
Soo, after awhile, I stopped looking at him, out of fear and pride, I stopped talking to him.
I know that I made a mistake, I know..
If I could go back, I don't know if I would.
I left it as it was because I didn't want to see things unravel, unfold.
I didn't want to build on what was coursing through me at the time.
I'm afraid of touch, the lack of commitment in the world, being vulnerable, love and lust..
It's not that I don't believe in monogamy, it's the fact that I do.
I've held my patience in my pocket..
I am the way I am because of who I am.

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