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Posted by on 2020/08/19 under Life

I’m afraid that the first thing people notice about me is that I’m fat. I’m afraid of this, yet I know for a fact it’s true. It’s hard not to notice, and it quite literally makes me the elephant in the room, in every room.

I’ve always been overweight. In elementary school, I was bigger than all of the other kids, even though I didn’t know it at the time. Looking back at pictures from elementary school, I’m surprised I didn’t notice. It seems so obvious now. Other girls in my class looked like they were three years younger than me, just because of our sizes. It was the same thing in middle school, but I knew it then. I knew I was bigger (and therefore uglier,) and while all my friends were experiencing first kisses and crushes with cooties, I sat on the sidelines.

Now, as a recent high school graduate and young adult I weigh 230 pounds (give or take a few, I rarely get on the scale), I’m still fat, and it’s only more painfully obvious now. But the weird thing is, my life was never like how it was portrayed in the media. I was never bullied for my size, and honestly, I can’t think of a time that someone ever called me fat. I had friends all throughout school, the same best friend since kindergarten, and I’ve always been part of the “popular group,” although I still haven’t figured out if I was just the resident fat friend so they didn’t seem like bad people, or if I was genuinely liked.

The thing I’m trying to get at is that I don’t think anyone really gets what it’s like to be a fat teen girl, except a fat teen girl. Which I mean, makes sense, and maybe you really just don’t care, which is fine, but you should probably just head out now.

I’ve tried a bunch of times to look up articles or stories about people who are or were living a similar life to mine because I just want to relate to someone. I’ve never felt like I could honestly relate to anyone in my life because I don’t know anyone like me. And no, I don’t mean that in the “oh I’m special I’m not like all the other girls” kind of way. I just haven’t ever had the chance to talk to someone who seems to live a life like mine.

Let me start this part out by saying that I have very kind and supportive parents, who genuinely just want me to be happy and healthy. That being said, my weight has always been a sort of buzzing bee humming around my family’s heads all my life. We don’t talk about it, or how I feel, or how the rest of my family is naturally skinny and I stick out like a sore thumb. My mom weighs in around 120, and my oldest brother (who is 21 now) wrestled at a startling 106 pounds during high school. My other brother and dad are basically the same, although my dad likes to act like he is staggeringly obese and needs to shed a couple hundred pounds, which he does not. The point I am trying to make is that right from the start, I was different. I’ve never felt like I fit in with my family, and I’m pretty sure I’ve always been the ugly duckling.

I hate looking at Christmas cards from when I was a kid because I was bigger than both my older brothers and I hate looking at recent cards because it proves that I failed. I hate going out to eat and seeing my family indulging in whatever they want, and me getting criticized for not eating the healthiest thing on the menu. I hate going on airplanes because I can’t sit in the middle seat. I hate giving my mom old clothes I grew out of. I hate not being able to use normal sized towels because they don’t fit around me. But honestly, what I really hate most of all, is feeling sorry for myself because I’m not like the rest of my family. All of that hate I feel, I shouldn’t, because I brought this upon myself.

Like I said earlier, I have always been friends with the “popular group.” I put it in quotes because I thoroughly despise the term, but for ease of explanation, I’ll use it. It’s been that way for as long as I can remember. Except I’m really not one of the popular ones. While my friends can boast thousands of followers on Instagram, my wimpy 400 or so is nothing to really brag about. I can remember countless times where I have met someone at my school and they’ll respond with an “Oh yeah, you’re so and so’s friend, aren’t you?” or something along those lines. So no, I was never really “popular,” but I always got a small taste of popularity.

I started dying my hair in 6th grade. I’ve gone through ombre, bleaching the underside of my hair, bright red, black, highlights, and I even cut my own bangs a couple of months ago. I have eight ear piercings, and will probably get another before the year is over. I get acrylic nails whenever I can, in bright, bold colors. Now that I’m 18, I can only imagine how many tattoos I’ll get. I would always tell people it was because I was bored with my look, but I don’t think that’s it. I was bored with being unnoticed. I was bored with constantly taking the back seat, and I was bored of being the friend of someone popular. But what am I supposed to do about that?

Boys. I’ve never had any luck with them. Like, any. As embarrassed as I am to say it, I’ve never kissed a guy, I’ve never been on a date, and, as far as I know, I’ve never known someone that has had a crush on me. Well, the last part is not entirely true– in seventh grade, there was a boy that asked me to be his girlfriend, but I’m pretty sure he was dared to do it. So yeah, not much luck. And it’s not like its ‘my choice,’ I don’t want to be single or desperately searching for someone to kiss before college so I don’t feel like a loser. It just is what it is, I guess. I probably didn’t put myself out there enough, but I just didn’t feel like anyone would want me.

During quarantine, I got overly addicted to Tiktok, like the rest of my teen peers. One day, I stumbled across a video about childhood trauma, and let me tell you, it kind of rocked my world. The girl in the video, who I have no idea if she’s an expert on the topic or not, explained that you don’t necessarily have to experience one traumatic event to have a traumatic childhood. It can just kind of suck, I guess. Anyways, she listed off a bunch of traits of people with childhood trauma like anxiety, depression, people-pleasing, procrastination, and avoidance of emotions. And let me tell you, I certainly fit the bill. I’m not sure if the ‘trauma’ stems from my being fat, but I feel certain it’s at least connected.

My friends have always been incredibly kind when it comes to how I look, or how any of us look. To be honest, I have an amazing group of girl friends. We encourage each other in so many different ways and lend all kinds of support to each other, and I know for a fact they don’t judge me for how I look. But I know they can see it. I know they subconsciously filter certain things out when they talk to me about certain things. They don’t ask me if I need to borrow clothes, but they’ll ask the other girls. They don’t ask me to work out with them, but they’ll go with the other girls. They don’t complain to me about feeling chubby one day, but they will to the other girls. I know they do it because they think it makes it less uncomfortable, which it probably does. It’s probably a good thing. I just wish it didn’t have to happen at all.

One of my best friends also struggles with an eating disorder. I’ve talked with her a few times about it and how ours are similar or different, but it’s kind of a weird situation. Anorexia and Binge Eating are pretty much complete opposites, but we have a lot of similarities when it comes to food. It’s pretty much on our minds 24/7, and we’d be lot happier if food was just a non-factor in life. It felt really good to talk to someone who could relate to me a little bit, even though our situations are really different. But I feel like it’s not something other people want to talk about. Most people understand that anorexia is a disorder, and people with it need help and it’s not their fault. But if anyone mentions binge eating, it’s just assumed that you are a fat piece of garbage who can’t control themselves and needs to eat less. Which I guess is essentially true, but it’s a disorder too. I physically can’t control myself, and I get stuck in terrible cycles of eating and self-loathing and crying and depression until I finally just get too tired of the awful feeling, or I run out of food. It might not be as serious as other eating disorders, but I think it’s important for people to understand that I really, really don’t enjoy it.

I’m going to say something that I know will get a lot of hate, but I feel like it’s necessary to talk about. I hate fat people. Any time I see a fat person I automatically think they’re stupid, or mean, or boring, or just a bad person. It took me a while to realize this was just self-hatred deflected on to other people. It’s kind of like jealousy, where you hate another person for having something you don’t, except you hate a person for having exactly what you have. I don’t know what it is, but I’m sure there’s a word for it. And I definitely have it. I hate that I do it, but I can’t stop. Any person I see, their size is the first thing I notice. Maybe that makes me a horrible person, but it’s the truth. I wish I didn’t think less of people just because of how they look, but I do it to myself as well. I think I’m a worse person because I’m fat, and I feel like I could just be better overall if I could just shrink down somehow.

In high school, my weight became a lot more noticeable to me. Hearing girls talk about being a size 4 when they were a size 2 last year (I’m a size 16, get over it), timing when I would finish my test in history so I could get up at the same time as the person in front of me and not have to squeeze between the desks, wearing sweaters way past the end of winter because they hid how fat I was, refusing to eat lunch because I didn’t want people to know I actually ate food, the list could go on and on. I just wish I could be like everyone else.

If you’ve made it this far, congratulations, I guess. I had a great organization strategy when I planned this but I got tired so this is what it is. I don’t know if anyone will gain anything from this, or if anyone will actually read it, but it felt good to get out. I have many more thoughts on the topic so if you feel like you need part two let me know. I know this makes me just sound like a whiny loser complaining about my problems but that’s okay. Love yourself and love everyone else, because they may be hating themselves.

One thought on “fat girls

  1. Anonymous says:

    Hello there .It was really brave of you to open up about your feelings and what you’re going through. As a person who’s dealt with anorexia , I know how hard it is living with an eating disorder. And trust me, in time it’ll all get better. I think that eating disorders take up so much space in our minds and generally throughout our daily lives that they slowly but surely become part of us … or, to word it more precisely, we become them and therefore we subconsciously let them define us.
    You’re saying that there’s nothing worse than being an overweight teen girl, but we all know that there’s worse stuff out there. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to make your problem seem less of what it is, cause if you’re storing self hatred inside of you it is indeed a huge deal. But why don’t you give yourself a break and focus on all the things that you’ve got ? You’ve got a bunch of considerate friends. Nobody cares how many followers you’ve got. Or how many followers DiCaprio has got. Real life is out there. You’ve got a family that loves you, siblings that love you. Friends who are there for you .You have a roof over your head. You should appreciate all that .
    If you don’t like the way you look, you can always try to do something different. For example, if you don’t like your hair long, cut it 4 inches or so. If you want to lose weight, you could go to a doctor or you could start by eating smaller portions and exercising a bit more. You don’t have to drop 100 pounds, you want to be healthy. You can still have whatever everyone else is having food wise, but in moderation. And yes, you mentioned binge eating. Whenever you feel as though you are about to binge, call your friends and ask them to come over your house. Or ask your brothers to join you and do something fun.
    At the end of the day it’s all about the effort you put in , you know?
    You don’t have to get tattoos that’ll stay with you for the rest of your life just to get some attention .Instead of spending your money on some ink and a bunch of needles, why don’t you save up to maybe visit a therapist that will help you deal with your emotions ?
    Overweight people aren’t always overweight by choice. There’s medical reasons for that and there’s psychological reasons as well, e.g someone getting abused as a child and turning to food in order to cope. Hating yourself won’t do you any good. As soon as you realise that only you can do something to turn things around , that’s when you’ll actually take matters to your own hands and make it work.
    Lastly, you don’t have to be skinny to be beautiful. Sure , there’s skinny people that are beautiful. And there’s overweight people that are beautiful.There’s beauty in everything and everyone, regardless of age, height, weight. But you should do what’s right for yourself and care for it. Cause nobody is gonna do it for you .

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