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Posted by on 2020/07/26 under Life

I feel certain remorse, I don’t know why. I’ve known the truth since the beginning perhaps that’s why. I know this is the best option so tell me, why, my heart tears yet feels nothing at the same time.

I see a future before me for the first time, I never believed I had a chance before. The more I say the future aloud the more I believe it, the more I see it as a real possibility. They tell me to look for security, go after what works but in my heart there is a pull. It yanks and yanks, tells me to stretch beyond my reach, to have courage and go for the unknown. Yet, despite hoping and dreaming, wishing for a chance I see nothing materialize, I’m faced with a wall. Underneath it all there’s a current, one I’ve never paid much attention to before, it’s a stream of anxiety, and apprehension, a fear I’ll misstep. The fear of not wanting to commit and become trapped. It rushes at such a pace I can barely keep up, it tells me there’s no time. I have all the opportunities before me and I must seize them! If not what will come of me? It makes me search all day hoping for a chance, needing support but those I want it from I will never ask, as pride makes me show not one grain of weakness. I am often told in situations where I am uncomfortable and anxious that I appear confident and cool, sadly for me this means it is difficult to show I need support. I am afraid an alone yet you can’t tell, I try to tell you at times but you brush it off.

So it comes to this. This is my chance; I am in such a place that I can take a chance. I do not want to waste this opportunity. So I will work harder than ever before and do what I must to reach what I believed improbable, that which I never considered. Of course there is a cost as there always is, but for me it is more than worth it. In addition do not act as if you always made time for me. I am tired, pushing myself to stay motivated and have no time for sympathy from one who does not understand me and only wants to at a superficial level.

I will not lie and deny I never thought of the possibility, I have. However every time I arrived to the same conclusion… it will not work. There are things I learned from you which help me be better and I enjoy your company but, romantically it does not work. I will put it bluntly, I am constantly unsatisfied and not attracted in that manner. I want to discuss ideas and possibilities and you only want what has already been said. You only want to think of romance and sex, but I need more, I deserve more and I am more. This is another thing I have realized, why should I settle? Why must I be the one to satisfy your desires and not you mine? I have accomplished and pushed myself further than I ever would have believed, I did not expect to make it this far yet here I am, so I will relish every part of living and not settle.

Yet, I do not want to say goodbye you’ve been too great of an influence and I have come to care for you. But, I know that we need different things. Yet, I see how much love you have and how much you care. Everyone can see it, you can hardly hide it, and this makes me waver. How could you not love someone who loves you this much? Well it’s tough but I know… Romantically we will never be satisfied, and if not you I will not be.

One thought on “a letter?

  1. Anonymous says:

    Could you drop the ego a bit, we all need support. If you tell them at times and they brush it off you may need to find support elsewhere. I have found that some people are just not good at this. As you mentioned you need more not just romance and sex. What does that more look like to you? You may need to explain this to them but if you feel as though you are settling it might not be necessary. There is more to a relationship besides from being satisfied romantically but it is apart of a relationship and if that need won’t be met it will not work. I’m glad you see your worth and that you are not willing to settle for anything less than what you deserve. You can love or deeply care about someone and not be with them.

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