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Posted by on 2020/07/11 under Life

I never thought I could or would have children. Not for any particular reason, I just didn't see myself as a mom. Then it happened, I became a mother and my life changed forever. Just like most parents, all I want for my children is that they are safe and do well in life. Due to an abusive past childhood I decided that I would devote all of my life to keeping them safe and out of harms way. Basically I became a helicopter mom. I became an at home mom, so it was all about the baby, the home front, and my husband's needs. I wasn't just a mom, I was a wife, and along with both of those roles I had decided to attend online college courses. I did all the cleaning, paid and organized the bills, did the cooking, grocery shopping, never had my eye off my child, and was a wife on top of other things. After our second child I got lost and busy in all of these title's and having so much responsibility, as many adults naturally do, but I never got a break. I didn't have date nights or have someone to babysit when I didn't feel like adulting. I always had my child! I struggled with my past on my own and I found unhealthy outlets to cope. Every now and then I go into these down dark phases where I just want to sleep all day or not deal with the world, so I shutdown. Recently I have found that it starts when some need is not being met. I would just push through it and hoped that I came out of this stupor fast. Somewhere into my 30s I lost my individuality. I gave to everyone's needs and at the end of the day I never gave to myself. Out of no where in the end of 2019 I could feel this downward spiral. Not only was I out of school now, but my oldest started attending Elementary school. I would sleep all day, cry periodically (never been a big crier), and lost most enjoyment of the things I once did find it in. On top of that covid 19 came into the picture. With help of family and a counselor, I found myself out of the hole I was once in, but everyday is different. I want to start waking up and wanting to be present in my children's life and in my own, often at times I struggle with this. The world is still so changed, I can't explore what I want or need at this point. I want to take art classes (pottery, oil paints, and what not), I want to make a career for myself, and start doing hobbies that I enjoy. I am going in a good direction now and I know what needs to be done. I think the point that I'm trying to make is that when you become a mother it's so hard to lose yourself in the family that you make and as women we should make time for ourselves. If you are taking care of yourself you can take care of your family and children better. Treat yourself, know your worth, find who you are or what you need in life. This is self-care and it is selfless if it keeps you mentally stable. Finding a healthy balance is key to life.

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