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Posted by on 2020/07/06 under Life

You have to realize, that I am who I am because of everything life has brought me through. Tonight I told you I didn’t wanna talk because honestly i was getting mad, and I knew I was about to blow up. And that’s the last thing I wanna do to you. I like to be alone in my own thoughts. I know that’s not necessarily a good thing but that’s who I am. I didn’t talk tonight when we were on the phone because I was having such bad anxiety and I have anxiety attacks and I knew it was coming and i didn’t wanna feel that tonight. So I’m sorry that I just didn’t say that I just don’t want you to see me any different or hold anything back just cause you don’t wanna make me anxious. If you get to really know me, you’ll realize that when I have a million things running through my head I’ll be silent. But when I’m free and not thinking about anything I am tho most talkative person ever. You were talking about how your grandpa is just laying there waiting to die, and I’m sorry I’m so heartless but when you know you’re dying what can you really do but wait. I get why he doesn’t really wanna see anyone. He doesn’t want people to see him struggle and slowly die. Every single day the image of my whole family at my grandparents farm house going in and out of the house to see my grandma because the doctor said she had a week left. She died that night. Everyone said she had said her goodbyes and she knew it was her time to go. I will never forget looking at my grandma laying there, looking so sick, I had never seen her like that in my life. Her pale face, she could barely move or talk. The last thing she said to me was maci ann, you were my first granddaughter, you’re going to do great things, I love you sweet girl. Waking up the next day to my dad walking in saying she died was the weirdest feeling ever. I had no tears, I just sat there staring at the wall. It didn’t feel real. My other grandma just got out of surgery and isn’t doing that great. My grandpa has dementia and doesn’t remember a lot. He can barely live alone anymore. I’m always here and I’ll listen to anything, but I’m sorry if I don’t say anything back. Just the thoughts of the same thing you’re going through run through my head and it brings all the emotions back. I know I’m only 16 years old but I’ve been through hell and back so many times. I’m going to do great things with my life and I know it. I have such a story already and I’m only 16. I know it sounds so stuck up but I’m one of the strongest people I know. No one can change my mind on that. We all have stories, and I just so happen to have a big one. The fact that I’m still living today is a miracle in itself. I can be so heartless sometimes and I’m so sorry. I’m just a very realistic person to tell you how it is. Cause my view on life is different than everyone else’s. Last school year I surrounded myself with so many sad people who brought me no where in life. That’s why I have 1 friend. And that’s Sydney. I may not have a lot but at least the one I have is worth it all. I’ve lost people I thought would be in my life forever but that’s just how it goes. But I will say this, life does go and, and tomorrow brings a new beginning. We can’t control everything that happens, and things may bring us down. But life goes on, we get used to things. Change is hard. I’ve dealt with a lot of change. And it’s sucks it really does. But you get used to it. And if you don’t like the way things are, stand up for yourself and what you believe in. Make a change. I’m sorry I made plans with you and syd tomorrow. I find it so hard to say no to people because I don’t like upsetting people or letting them down. I give everyone my all and it still seems like I’m never enough. And that makes me feel so worthless sometimes. Eli I’m not gonna leave. Living in fear I am is not gonna wanna make me stay anymore. The fact that everyday you say you’re worried I’m gonna leave stress me out so much. Because I’m not, and I don’t plan on it. Obviously things happen and things don’t always go as planned, but right now, I don’t wanna leave and I don’t plan on it. You’re different, at least I hope, and I like that. It’s 2 o’clock and I wanna call you but I won’t. That’s just who I am. If you don’t want me and if you saying you think I’m gonna leave is you trying to just draw away because you don’t want me, just tell me. It’ll hurt but everything always ends up okay. And I’m sorry if none of this is what you wanna hear. But it’s how I do. And please don’t apologize for anything I said in this. That’s the last thing I wanna hear. If im being honest, my heart has physically been hurting. Life is so exhausting. And I’m glad I have you in mine. I wouldn’t want anyone else in it right now. I get it if after this you feel different towards me, but I’m just being real. And it’s 2 in the morning, and a lot of times this is when my thoughts are clear. Ik this is a lot and I’m sorry

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