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Posted by on 2020/06/05 under Life

She hung her head low, always looking down to not trip on something that she was about to miss. She hung her head low because the sun was far too much for her to see that day, or most days. A mass amount of shame and guilt overtook her, placed her in a gloomy place that became comfortable, sadly safe. There she was lonely, but it was deserving. She was unworthy of anything that felt good or healthy.

Downers on top of downers, that's how she learned to survive as a teen. One fix replaced the next. Weed, alcohol, blow, and shopping became her vice. Until she was numb so she burned her arms with lighters and cut her inner thighs to see if she could feel physical pain still. There was nothing that could fill or fix this emptiness within,so she thought. She often had ideas that stuck in her head that it could be someone or maybe something, some more partying perhaps.

The people she put herself around were toxic and only took advantage of her. Some kind people came into her life every now and then. But she would push them away, one way or another. Outgrowing the physical behavior, she had to grow up fast. Having a baby at twenty will do that, but the mental pain and void never left.

There were times when all was great but then months of emptiness, sadness, and shame. With age and a little maturity she gave in to getting help. She just needed to feel sorry for herself, to relearn that she was worthy, and deserving of great things. Self-care is key to maintaining one's mental health, but it was never fully taught to her. They didn't teach this in school and growing up in a mentally unhealthy household one could never learn such a necessity to living.

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