Posted by Anonymous on 2020/06/04 under Life I don't know where to head anymore. Just jumbles of cells going that way and that a way in one clump. I used to believe in kindness…but I'm tired… Is this depression? Someone unfit for society, am I mentally ill? This couch stinks… I want to go home…but I don't know where it is anymore. Why was I born so unfit for this society. I'm so tired of pretending that everything is alright. This world and my world are both such a mess. While others are yearning to just live one more year, here I am, I just want to disappear. Somewhere with kindness. With ocean waves of honey, blue sand grains through my fingers. Warm, safe. With friendship and love everywhere. A butterfly here and there. Perhaps I enjoy this suffering here, on this stinky couch. Why else would I sit here? I mean, it's better than my ex's apartment… I don't feel as comfortable though. Are my negative thoughts due to my love life? But I was alone for awhile, nothing changed. Was I blessed to feel this way for the world? or cursed? I would have a better life in the forest or somewhere without as much hope and dreams. I will keep on trekking….but I always think that I'm just gonna fall over one day. Once upon a time, idiot me thought that the perfect love could fix my soul. Wrong. It's broken. Broken since those girls ignored me, pointed at me, laughed. Broken since the first time you kissed me. I think I wrote a dumb poem once about a glass heart, how its pieces wouldn't fit together right after it broke. I put it back together, in many ways, but the shards still stab me in the wrong way. I also wrote a dumb poem once about how I wanted to see the weather through different windows until I could hear the rain from a room without windows….it sounds like I wanted to become schizophrenic………. well well my dear, ive come pretty close huh. I sometimes see him, I jump at every sound. I have no love left.
Justice? Freedom?
Why desire for anything when we're all ultimately stardust.
But it's not like I want to become Buddhist and meditate for the rest of my life.
I suppose consciousness is somewhat valuable…
It's useless…
If I eat the dreams of other humans, am I mentally healthy?
I'm afraid of him waking up too soon. Please don't awake…
In my memories of childhood? In all the houses that are filled with other families that are not mine?
Yet, hell with hopes of some moments of heaven is better than nothing eh.