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Posted by on 2020/03/22 under Life

Over ten years ago something happened in my life so unexpected. My actions were what lead me up to this point and I have no one or nothing to blame them on but myself. The guilt from these actions clings on and my heart bears the weight.

I never went through the break up process maybe I thought that we would still be together after it all or maybe because it all happened so fast and I couldn't look at what I had lost. Many years after years I have tried to give crappy apologies to this individual and express my love for them. Not truly knowing if I needed it or if it was what I thought that they needed. I should of never pushed and kept pushing. I guess I thought there was hope somewhere. The thing is the longer it took me to come to grasps with the whole breakup the more I spiraled down a path of trying to prove or make something up to someone that truly did not want what I was shoving in their face.

I probably f***ed with them on their healing and relationships as well as tormented my own mind and caused havoc to my relationships. I feel like a loyal dog to this man. In the end no one should be loyal to anyone but themselves.

I can't rewind and take it all back, but I wish I would of realized in those following days after I did what I did that it was the end of us forever. I wish I would of went through healthy emotions of a breakup and was alone after to heal fully.

Everytime I see him he glares at me and runs, it f***ing hurts so bad. The thing that hurts the most is that I really wanted to give him children when we were together. When I became knocked up unexpectedly by a guy that I was dating we decided to keep the baby. When I was pregnant I ran into him, he took one look at me and ran out of the store. The way he looked at me made me want to die. I wanted to run after him but I could not. I pulled it together and cried deeply that night. This child has made me so much better as an individual. He has a child now. I think it's his anyway. I'm sure he's happy and completely over me but while he was going through the healthy emotions of a break up I was just trying to survive my life with only the occasional moments to reflect on him and our past relationship.

It is just that the past and I still don't know why I can't get over him. I know I have to move on and stop doing this to myself. If someone was looking in it would seem that I have moved on, but mentally I have not. I have learned to departmentalize my marriage and family life with my true emotions for him. It's sick. I feel more love and loyalty to him than the man that I have been with for over ten years. I feel s***y and lost and empty.

I recently started taking time to focus on healing myself from past trauma in hopes that it will also help me heal with this. I hope that in focusing on myself I find my worth to let go of not only him but many things. I have come farther than where I was. I no longer call him or reach out, I stopped looking for him in public, I don't think we will ever be together anymore, and I have started trying to do something about healing. I'm sure he will still be on my mind, if and when I see him I'm sure I will want to run to him and wrap myself around him and become nervous, I will still dream of him, but I need to stop letting him consume so much of my sleep if I do sleep and my thoughts.

One thought on “Learn from my mistakes

  1. Anonymous says:

    Over ten..tens of thousands of years ago. Thats what I should put.

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