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Posted by on 2020/02/18 under Life

I had a fun filled weekend. Good memories were made with the family. We got home late and I couldn't wait to get out of the car.

I cleaned the house because that's what I do and went to take a shower. Not that I needed a shower but because I needed a break from everyone. So I locked the door and just tried to shut everyone out for a few moments. I have to do this at least once a day. I started shaving but I couldn't help think about not being around anymore.

My boys make me happy and I can't do that to them but at times my life feels like a f***ing cruel joke. When I was done shaving I just sat on the floor of the shower crying. Until my youngest started knocking on the door and I knew that I had to get out. I dried off and went back to being alright.

I have to be alright I don't have a choice anymore to just be a f***ing mess.
I remember before I met my husband I would try to get drunk as much as possible, sleep all day, be alone in my studio apartment, or work. My life was simple, I cried at night but I was happy.

I think there might be something wrong with me I don't think I'm bipolar or depressed. I know I have always been a little anxious. I want to say hormones but idk anymore.

I look in the mirror often and every time I do I don't recognize the person looking back. Can't remember when it hasn't been like this. I have always felt disconnected body from mind. Looked it up and it's a form of PTSD. I can't self diagnose also I don't have the credentials.

I have moments of clarity, I'll feel like girl you got this, but other times I'm a mental disaster.

It's crazy I studied and wrote papers on women in prison with similar backgrounds and they have all these mental health issues. At times I wonder how did I turn out somewhat level headed.? How the hell did I remain strong or continue to be?.
Others I'm on the verge of crying my eyes out and I just want someone to hold me. I don't want to feel like I'm okay or alright all the time but I try to. It probably comes from getting yelled at by my first step dad to shut up and stop crying.
All the constant questioning, self doubt, guilt (major heavy), and just overall feeling like a bad person. I am so hard on myself at least I can keep it together, somewhat.

This felt good.

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