Somewhere To Write

Posted by Anonymous on 2020/02/10 under Life

I could have ended by just writing "There's nothing to say". But, I chose to write too many things instead and they might be irrelevant and useless at the end of the day.

I'm always having memories about highschool. People laughed at me. Commenting on how I walk (apparently I walked faster than most people). My religious dad asked me to avoid "sexual immorality". Well, bad idea. I felt uncomfortable during the social night because i went with my parent's (Dangerously OUTDATED) definition of dressing decency and didn't feel comfortable with the girls in tight jean trousers.
I didn't want to be involved in anything that seemed like sexual attraction to the females and also cared about my image. So I didn't want anyone to think that I was involved too.
I never liked dancing on stage for no reason. I actually can't even dance. Yet, I was called to dance on stage. Well, I didn't move. That made me unfortunately popular.
Girls were always taunting me just to make me react. THAT IS VERY ANNOYING! I wish they knew that.
The guys didn't make things easier either. They always wanted to attach me to a girl when I clearly wasn't into all that stuff.
In my second year (SS2), they started insulting me for dissenting to theism. I wasn't really an atheist. Just wasn't very religious anymore as the idea of religions just didn't fit with me. I've never taken it seriously before. I only participated in Anglican church activities because my parents asked me to. The school was Roman Catholic. I also participated in activities because those were the rules.
Being a "snitch" didn't help either. A lot of the boys didn't like me for that. I won't work with them in breaking the rules. At the last year (SS3) towards the end of the it, I pretty much started spending more time with Day students as the Boarders hardly communicated with me.

My compulsion (sexual imaginations, internet, social media, entertainment media, etc) is affecting my punctuality.
Imagine having an exam and yet not being able to bring yourself to study.
This was the case for my physics 2020 fall 2019 exam.
At a special lunch today at church, I found it hard to express my wants as people were serving the meals.
My extremely religious parents are still forcing me to join church activities I'm not interested in (they claim I "promised" to do it. WRONG! They ORDERED me to do it. Big difference). They know too well I've never wanted to join the choir.
Parent was okay with paying my school fees after failing courses multiple times but got angry and decided he wanted to stop paying over a f***ing eucharist. Luckily, he continued after an apology.
They lost all hope in me and kind of disowned me emotionally after they found out I wasn't Christian. Dad pretended not to be too angry about me being non-christian but I can see through all the bulls***! I told them hoping this would make us freer with each other but it just made things worse.
They now blame my school failures, inability to fit in socially, lack of motivation to do anything, emotional weakness, etc on me being non-christian. They don't want to offer any access to real psychological help.

Two counsellors from the Bennette Centre have suggested I get into a therapy programme but can't because I can't afford it on my own and my parents won't agree with it either. (My mum said a person who commits suicide is "possessed by demons". Attributes it to a lack of god)

Just so dad knows, when I complained about feeling down over the hospital bill, that wasn't the main thing bothering me. It was actually a combination of my academic mishaps and just feeling down for no known reason. So, thanks for nothing, Your bible passage didn't help.

I selected courses I believed will be slow paced and easier for me to deal with, but my dad forced me to retake the PHYS and Continuum mechanics courses and make a whole new schedule. I explained that I can't keep up with them and I want to take courses that will allow me meet the C+ minimum. He says, well, if I don't believe I can pull through with the courses he recommends, then I'm not ready to return to school.
Failure to understand that it's hard for me to study and keep up.
Yes, I don have difficulty socially fitting in. I can't have conversations with a group of people easily. I can do tasks with them though (like working with a group on a lab experiment, setting up seats, equipment, etc for an event at Nwafor's church). However, it's even harder for me because my social personality differs from what my parents want (remember they're extremely religious). So, I can't express myself socially with my family members. Yet, instead of letting me meet with people I want to, they want me to meet with people at church or their religious friends whom I simply can't get along with as we're very different. Also add that these people will report back to my parents. So, if I can't tell my parents, I can't tell the too. Then they ironically complain that I'm anti-social.

On August 3rd (before my expected departure from home back to Canada from the worst holiday I ever had) they invited a f***ed up monster of a priest to come pray for the family. All he did was humiliate me. Shaking my head and asking me to carry out dumb prayer actions to "fix" my poor social communication and shyness. The monster just worsened my mood.
Later that night, my parents were linking my social difficulty and percieved weirdness to a "vision" that priest's wife received about a carved image representing me being cut piece by piece to remove my human aspect (Note that their definition of weird is not exactly reasonable. They see creepy halloween decorations in Canada as weird. They see atheists as weird. Anything that doesn't fit into their culture and religious close-mindedness is weird) .
Now they forced me to change my PERSONAL settings on my phone (i.e my wallpaper and lockscreen backgrounds). They also forced me to change my WhatsApp profile "about" write-up to something relating to a bible verse because they believe it would guide me towards success. (I guess my non-religious friends who are successful without christianity are not human). Now, I take my PERSONAL social profiles very seriously. I was angry about this and couldn't tell them immediately because it'll change nothing.
orders. But, the guardians loose nothing tangible if the dependant ceases to exist (they die, leave and become independent, etc). But the You see, I don't believe parental love exist (at least, not for me). It's just parental responsibility (provide for the kids, protect them, pay their fees/financial support), child/dependant responsibility (obey your parents and follow their wishes regardless of yours) and then the discipline or seriousness to actually keep up with these responsibilities. It's like a business relationship. Guardians provide, dependants obeydependant will not be able to even survive without a guardian.
So, it's strange how people deem the loss of a child (dependant) as very sad. You can easily survive and do without the dependant. The real sadness is if the reverse occurs (unless when the child is grown up and no longer a dependant).

Funnily, my dad confirmed that the same night (3rd August). My mum mentioned how my failures will make me depressed (LOL I am probably already depressed but well, I can't even get a good diagnosis because I can't get long term psychological attention. So let's not assume) and lead to suicide. Then my dad says, if I commit suicide, I better do it early before he pays my school fees so he can save his money.
So, yeah, I'm just a burden on them obviously.

Now after these 3rd August events, I was in a bad mood and stayed away from communion to express that I wasn't happy also to maybe tell them I don't want to continue with these religious practices. Instead dad immediately gets mad and decides to withdraw me from school.
I attempted to express some frustration over my mum's disapproval of my walking from Lawrence West station to Bathurst/Lawrence intersection (North York, ON). Part of the frustration was influenced by my mum staying with us. I made a Whatsapp post to my Stories (which they weren't supposed to see based on my privacy settings but they saw it anyway). Since then, they've never forgotten that post. So, me expressing my anger or frustration to them always turns out bad for me. Thus, I don't want to talk with them. I just want to play my dependant role as best as possible without any hiccup.

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