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Posted by on 2020/02/07 under Life

I can't ever help but think people don't really want me. They always want some part of me, or something I can do, or something they think they need from me. It just makes me feel like I'm not enough for people, ever. I feel like everyone actually cared about me they'd do more. I do a lot for the people I care about, I'm the kind of person that gives more than most people can give back, and I understand that.

But it seems like there's more people could do for me, like my boyfriend is in university, and we call every couple of days or so, but only ever for like n hour, and I barely ever see him. Now recently he gets people calling on him to do things and instead of saying something like "I'm busy, I'm on the phone to my bf just now" but he doesn't, he just says "I won't be long". That makes me feel like a bit of a chore, and most of the time he'll have asked me to talk too, and then it just seems like he's making me seem like a bit of a nuisance. i cried on the phone last night because I really miss him, we've been together for 3 years and the best thing he could come up with for me crying was to say 'I don't like it when you're sad' and then changed the topic and went on about something else, so I just had to pretend I wasn't crying anymore, even though that hurt enough to make me cry for twice as long. I just wish if he didn't care that he'd just break up with me already, I'm not confident enough to do it myself, each time i think about it, I always convince myself that there are tonnes of good things about our relationship, even when I actually wish for more from him. I feel bad asking for more from him, and that frustrates me, if you love someone and they love you, you should be able to ask for just about anything right?

My family are kind of the same, I've been struggling with mental health issues for a while now, we've been trying to get a diagnosis for whats going on with me for almost 5 years now. I've decided it's probably bipolar, but each doctor I go to tells me not to make an assumption, but I never see one long enough to get an accurate anything really. All the councillors I've had with the NHS turn out to be really nasty people, and they fully take advantage of people with anxiety and stuff, they use scare tactics on already scared people to keep them from asking for more help. But back to my family. My mother knows almost as well as I do what makes me feel better, but will flat out ignore it if it doesn't suit her as much. It sometimes feels like all she wants to do is keep me alive and that's it. I also think my older sister has some weird incest crush on me and it terrifies me, I just don't feel like I can say anything to anyone.

People just get angry if I'm wrong because "how could i think something like that" or they get angry because it's the truth, and people really don't like being confronted with the truth they think no one has realised. And that's the only thing I'm good at, seeing the hidden truth and the patterns of the lives of the people around me. So in the end the only talent I feel like I really have is all but useless where I live, because everyone here hates the truth, everyone in this damn fishbowl is happier to lie, to be angry and to use each other. I hate this place and i can't leave yet and it feels like it's slowly turning me into one of them too.

I want to move, but money is hard to come by here, and it's so awful here the only way you can get rid of boredom for a bit is to spend it all. I just don't feel like anyone cares enough to listen anymore, not really. I didn't think at all that writing any of this would help but it kind of has. It's not totally bad either, music keeps me going. I just don't know how much longer I can just work and sleep and work and sleep till I want to run away. I've been thinking about it more and more often lately, just hopping on a bus and leaving. But I'm told by everyone that just leaving is the wrong way to do things. It's very much at odds with what I'm also told, which is nobody knows w hat is going to be right for you, or work for you or be beneficial to you, except you. And I know the only thing that will help is leaving, but everyone would make me feel guilty as heck. And also yes I know my sentence structure is horrific, but I feel pretty horrific. I haven't even managed to write down a quarter of what I feel and its already too much for anyone to read.

One thought on “I’m not ok.

  1. Anonymous says:

    What I think you should do is leave your bf on healthy terms. Tell him that you need to mentally get healthier and break it off. I’m going through a similar situation but not the same. Get your mind right. Try to stick with a counselor enough to get help and manage “it”. Whatever “it” maybe. Focus on yourself. Be a little selfish I sure know that everyone else is and you will notice it more with age. Guilt, that feeling clings to every part of your conscience. Let it go!! It is alright to process your feelings its healthy. Keep writing. Learn from your writings, let go and move on. You will be just fine. You are enough by being you.

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